Saturday, December 19, 2009

An Old Essay from 6 months ago, still very relevent

This morning while I was on the treadmill praying and pondering a thought came to me. My favorite metaphor to use when talking about my past and childhood abuse is the basement. I feel like I am a house. On the outside everything is put together. The house looks in order. I think most people would consider that I am a pretty high functioning individual. I take care of my kids, I don't really struggle with depression; I work out 6 days a week; I have 17 years clean from drugs; I am not saying all that makes me better than anyone else, but I seem to have things pretty together. That is the house being in order. Under the house, though, is a very different story. There is a basement that I keep locked up. There are scary things inside the basement. I try to be pretty in touch and honest with my self. I try not to dwell in denial or fear. I just don't really know how to deal with the basement properly. I know it effects my life, my relationships, my walk with God, etc., but it does not cripple me, or keep me from living my life and doing what I need to do. I feel like the basement is just full of rotten corpses. They stink and they are scary. Most people probably don't want t0 venture down and play with the corpses. You don't usually drag them upstairs to the dinner table or out on the lawn for a family picnic. They just remain hidden. Sometimes the stench of the death and pain they represent leak out into the house. In my life I think the stench is kind of subtle and not over whelming. Kind of like a fart. Any way, I grew up knowing that not everyone had corpses in their basement.
I thought that I needed to get the corpses out and clean out the basement. I got a different perspective on this today. I was thinking about decomposition, the process and benefits. When plants, animals or even bodies decompose they eventually enrich the soil. The death and decay turn into life and abundance in the soil. That soil, once enriched, grows healthier and more beautiful plants, veggies or whatever. God has been at work all of my life turning the rot and damage that lives in the basement into a beautiful garden which bares greater fruit because the decay has nourished the soil. I don't need to get rid of it, but i do need to unlock to door so that the Sonlight can come in and so I can enjoy the garden and let others be nourished by it.

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