Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Love story-- part 3

We are headed into the home stretch. I got very involved in the church we moved to De Soto for. I was still with this other guy. I was very active in ministry and I worked for the church. It was kind of a weird situation. I was never really good enough in this church and never really good enough for this guy. The time came when the leadership broke us up. Yes, this actually happened to me twice. I was still very much indoctrinated into submitting to church leadership. Needless to say, it was really devastating to me to be once again told that the person I had been investing my life into and planning a future with was again, not the one for me. This time a did not feel like the leadership was coming from a place of love for me. I really was made to feel like I was not good enough for this person to be with me. Now as painful as this was, it was actually really good for me. I came out of the first church with a pretty big ego. I was important b/c of my testimony. I was a little trophy. I needed to be humbled and be brought down a couple notches. I had been used to being important. I definitely had some of the wind knocked out of my sails. I remember being asked by a leader about loving Larry. "no way,"I said.

Enter the great wonderful providence of God. Enter His amazing ability to redeem and give us exactly what we need.

Since moving to De Soto, I had not seen Larry. My mom would takes Stephen and meet him halfway between De Soto and Farmersville.
After the second breakup I had really begun to seek God and ask him to bring balance into my life and show me more of Himself. I was asking Him to bring me out of "church" and into relationship.
One day I as putting baby Stephen (about 2 and a half) down for a nap and he said to me, "I want my daddy."

I said, "You'll see daddy this weekend."
He said, "No, I want my mommy and my daddy in the same house."
Seriously, God spoke to me out of the mouth of my 2 year old. At that moment, the light bulb went off inside me. It was like bells began to ring and a current lifted. I thought, "What in the world am I doing." Here is this amazing man, amazing father, who adores both of my children, and loves me. I am crazy not to be with him, but will he ever take me back? But I did start really praying about it and asking God to show me what He was saying about it.
At this point my brother and I went to see The Matrix. That movie changed my life and forever altered my reality. Now, you must understand, at the time I did not watch any rated R movies and refused to listen to secular music. It took some persuading for him to get me into the movie.
We watched it and God showed me so many things. I filled almost a whole journal with revelation God gave me through that movie. He showed me so much about how we just accept what we see and believe without ever questioning it. We don't try to see what is going on that we cannot see. He showed me that we don't have to be limited by the world or its rules or opinions if we can see it for what it is. If we can see the Matrix and how God is not defined by it, we can break the rules of the matrix and experience what He really has for us.

After that movie, I spoke to my brother about what I was beginning to feel God was saying to me. He wholeheartedly agreed. He had always been a cheerleader for Larry. He used to say, "he is the one for you, what is wrong with you. This other guy is not the one for you. That church was wrong." I didn't listen; I thought my brother was wrong. He definitely thought God was speaking to me. The next person I talked to was my mother. The first thing I wanted to do was allow Alexandra to go visit with Larry and his family. It seemed like it could do nothing, benefit her to have a whole other group of people that love her. My mom agreed that it would be a good thing. I talked to her also about what I felt like God was telling me about being with Larry. She said, "He has no reason to trust you again after you broke his heart twice, so if he is willing to take you back, I will know it is God doing this thing." I asked Larry to have lunch with me so I could talk to him about letting Alexandra come an visit when Stephen came. We met and both were so nervous, that neither of us ate much of anything. We agreed that would be a good thing. I did not mention the other thought I was having. While we ate, he made me laugh so much. He always made me laugh. I am not much of a laugher now, but I really wasn't back then. I always loved that he could make me laugh. I always felt like I could be myself with him and the same is still true. I remember thinking, wow, I am still in love with this man. It just felt so right sitting in Wendy's looking at him. It was as if the years we were apart had never even happened. I knew right then, that we were meant to be together and I think he knew too; neither of us said anything about it though.

I went home and began typing a letter to him about all the things I had done wrong to him, all that God had showed me and all the things he had said about the church that had turned out to be accurate. It was 7 pages singles spaced. (not hard to believe if you follow my blog, huh?) I was a freaking book.

Now during the time we were apart Larry had started drinking, and doing lots of bad stuff. He turned from God and would stand and curse God. He would dare Him to strike him down. He would yell, "I hate you and F you." At least he was honest with God. God can work with honest. Denial kind of makes it hard for him to work b/c we aren't open. Before he got bitter, though, He had listed off the things God would have to change in me if he would ever take me back. He had decided to be single b/c of what God had told him about falling in love. He said it he couldn't be with me, he would be with no one b/c he had fallen in love once.

Well, wouldn't you know I gave Larry my letter (book) and as he read it everything on his list was there. He said when I handed him the letter it made him sick to his stomach b/c he couldn't imagine what it said. We talked on the phone a couple days later and within a week were back together.

Here is where is gets really good. So this church I was attending and working at laid down an ultimatum on me. They would not allow me to be with him until they did counseling with us and they would not counsel us until he started attending the church regularly. Guess what did? I quit my job and left the church never to return. God set it up so that we were placed in the exact same scenario and I was faced with the exact same choice. Only this time I chose the man I loved. It was exactly what Larry needed to see me do so He could begin to trust me and begin to heal. I chose him over the church.

What I needed was different. I had never felt valued or loved really especially by a guy. Larry has had one girlfriend in his life. That would be me. What I needed was to realize that he loved me enough that, without knowing what he was doing, he waited for me. He loved me enough that he would choose to be single for the rest of his life, if he couldn't have me. I am the one for him and he waited 3 years for me even while he watched me carry a relationship with another person.

We started building a life together and planning a wedding. We started looking for rings almost immediately. I found one I love. I knew we didn't really have any money so I had no idea when or how he would get it. One of the things I always hated about "knowing" you were supposed to get married and not dating was losing the element of surprise of the proposal. I really wanted that great surprise proposal. God even gave me that. I had no idea he had gotten the ring and was not expecting a proposal. We were at a picnic after church and he got down on one knee and asked me in the middle of it. I started jumping up and down. My mom and brother, sitting right there with us, missed it. Funny. That was May 13. We were married on September 2, 1999. It was such a beautiful simple ceremony at Haggard park in down town Plano. It was so beautiful b/c many of the people who had been around when the break up happened and were confused by it got to see God bring us back together and witness the wedding. Plus God confirmed it so beautifully in that a homeless man wondering the park during the wedding asked Jesus into his heart during the reception.

That other relationship taught me to really appreciate Larry. The other one always tried to change me; he criticized everything I did; he wanted me to be something I was not.
Larry has always loved me, no matter what. He has never tried to change me. He has prayed for me when I need it, as was the case with my alcoholism. He loves me with long hair, short hair, red hair, black hair, purple hair; he loves me fat or skinny; he loves me when I am mean, and cranky; he loves me when I am driven and not home; whether the house is clean or dirty, whether I cook dinner or don't; He is just glad to be with me and glad that I love him too.

We have learned, grown, and been healed together. We have struggled and suffered together. We have had more than enough together and barely enough together. He is my home. He is where I can relax and laugh and be safe. He brings out the best in me and challenges me to be better.

The story that I think really illustrates our relationship is Abraham and Isaac. During the initial loss, I remember telling God that I was willing to sacrifice the relationship and the love we have upon the alter b/c I knew He was able to resurrect it. I placed the promise upon the alter to sacrifice it in worship. I had not idea that He would actually resurrect not just the dream of being married but the very relationship I was willing to lay down. He is good.

Needless to say, in our relationship we don't really fight about much. When you have loved one another like we did, lost one another and then been given back to each other, what is really worth fighting about. There is really not any agreement that is worth being mad at each other. We both remember what it was like being apart. Divorce is not really something we would ever consider. We are meant to be together, death due us part. When God goes through that much trouble to bring you together, you gotta know it is forever. I am not saying that we never have troubles. We have had some dark seasons in our marriage, but we always know it will work out b/c we both know beyond a shadow of doubt there is no plan B. It is you and me babe forever. I can also say that what we have is a direct result of what we walked through. We have been given a gift that most people don't get. We have a different perspective and a fierce devotion and passion for one another. It's like coming back from a near death experience. Life looks different from that perspective. It changes what you do, how you live and what is important. That is a gift from God.

Was it right or wrong what was done to us? That question is really irrelevant. Do we have something stable and beautiful b/c of it? Yes. Would I do it again? You bet I would, without hesitation. To have my fairy tale ending. To know the kind of love people make movies about, WITHOUT HESITATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a story that gives us roots, deep roots.

I love Larry Keith Hall and will spend the rest of my life loving, living and growing with him. He was perfectly created and perfectly prepared to be my better half. I could not ask for a better, more amazing, loyal, gracious, devoted, extraordinary individual to spend the rest of my life with. He loves me just because. He is my best friend. I have more fun with him than any other person on this earth and there is no one I would rather spend time with. I used to think he was really lucky to have someone like me (wow, that is so ugly and awful to admit). Then God showed me I was the lucky one. I am the one who is getting the better end of the stick. Larry is so gracious to love me. I better appreciate him too, b/c truth be known no one else could put up with me. No one else could ever love me like he does.

No comments:

Post a Comment