Wednesday, December 30, 2009

More on Mom.

This morning as I ran, I began to ponder my mother again. As bad as things were when we were growing up, it could have been so much worse. She really tried to love us. She just didn't know how. She had never been loved, therefore she did not love herself so she was incapable of really loving herself. The word says, "Love you neighbor as yourself." If we don't love ourselves, we can't really love others. If we hate ourselves, and we love our neighbor as ourselves then we hate our neighbor. Anyway, my mom never set out to be mean to us or hurt us. It was never in her heart to cause any kind of harm to us. She would have given anything to see us grow up happy and whole and to go further than she did.

What really sparked these thoughts was hearing a friend talk about her mother. The circumstances surrounding her conception were very unhappy and complicated. It involved some really bad situations. Her mother felt the need to tell her about those shameful circumstances her whole life. Her mother hated her, and wished ill to her her whole life. Her mother blamed her for something that she had no control over. It is not as if this girl chose to be conceived when she was conceived. Her mother has hated her for her whole life for something she had not control over and could not ever change. She treated her bad and called her stupid, and used the conception problem as an excuse. Instead of seeing God's grace in giving her a child and embracing it as a blessing, she has treated this wonderful, amazing woman as a curse for her entire life. How horrible that would have to be, to grow up like that. I have found myself praying diligently for this friend over the last couple days. My heart is so broken for her. I feel such a deep agonizing ache in my heart for her. I have found myself praying for God to restore her sense of destiny, redeem the years the enemy has stolen from her and turn what the enemy has used to harm her for her whole life around to smack him right in the face with it. I want God to comfort and let His truth sink deep into the deepest parts of her soul. GOD DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every person conceived and born was created by Him and for Him. "He knit us together within our mothers womb. He has numbered our days and the very hairs upon our heads. I pray that every person who has ever felt like a mistake finds and reads this blog and that God illuminates the truth to their hearts. He created each of us. "God is not a man that He should lie, nor is he the son of man that He should repent." "His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts." He knows, and allows and plans. Receive the truth in your heart, you are not and have never been a mistake. My oldest daughter and my son know the circumstances surrounding their conceptions. They were not "conventional" by any means. I mean, I was a drug addict when Ally was conceived and my husband and I were not married when Stephen was conceived and wouldn't be married until Stephen was 2 or 3. Neither one of those children was a mistake. God sent them to me. They were both instrumental in bringing growth and healing in my life to different areas. (Another story I need to write about.) Ally saved my life and God used Stephen to put me and Larry back together as a family.

It makes me so sad when I hear about people growing up in some of there terrible situations. I cannot imagine ever making one of my children feel like they were a mistake. As a matter of fact, these children are my life. They are second only to my love for Jesus. Every decision I make has them at the center of it; I way everything next to them. They are my treasure; they are some of the greatest blessings in my life. I see it as a great privilege and responsibility to be their mother. I am so sorry for those who have grown up feeling less than that. Little girls are meant to be princesses and little boys are meant to be handsome knights in shining armor. God has used my children to teach me so many amazing lessons and to heal so many horrible wounds inside me.

Back to my point. No, I was not a little princess. My mother, though, never ever meant any ill will toward me. She would have never set out to intentionally hurt one of us. She might have been neglectful, but never intentionally hurtful. Had she realized the things that were going on, I don't think she would have hesitated to shoot some people in the head and worry about it later. She is fiercely protective of her children and grandchildren. I have no doubt she would step into the path of a bullet, car, train or any object threatening one of us including my husband. If someone were to do real harm to one of us, right or wrong, I believe she would do something about it even if it meant jail. I was just struck this morning again as I prayed for my friend how blessed I am to have my mother and how things were really not so bad. I truly believe that my mother never ever meant harm to us and really only ever wanted good things for us. She just wasn't capable of giving the good things and love that her heart wanted to give us. So things could have been so much worse. She has never ever made me feel like I was a mistake, even when I stole from her, verbally abused her, and became the iceberg of cold indifference I was for the first few years I walked with God. She just prayed and tried to love me anyway she could; she has striven for the last 20 years to make up for the harm that was done.

No more striving!!! "It is finished" so declared the Creator and Savior of the universe. He has made ALL THINGS Right.

I love the part of the Serenity Prayer that says, "Trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to His will."

I don't deny that things were bad, but they could have been so much worse. And I have a Redeemer who makes all things right, so I don't have to worry or fret, nothing is wasted and all will be as it is supposed to be.

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