Friday, May 14, 2010

Yeah, it has been a really long time...

I know. Things have been so super busy adjusting to my new part time job and learning to balance everything. I really didn't think that adding a part time job would throw things into such upheaval, but it has. This week I am finally starting to feel things level out after a month, but up to this week I just couldn't seem to find equilibrium in my daily life. As I get used to getting up earlier than I really care to admit (I am an early riser, but the time I have to get up to be ready to open Starbucks is ridiculous.) and as the school year comes to an end, I hope to have time to write on my blog again and to be creative. This week is the first week I have not felt totally out of sorts. I know that when you make a change it takes a while for everything to shift and find balance; it just took longer than I was hoping it would. Adding the 5 hours of work to my day caused me to have to reassess priorities and rearrange things. Since I am a person who craves order and consistency it has been a little disconcerting to try and find a new rhythm. I have prayed every day about it and although I was very uncomfortable during the shift process, I knew that God would show me how to find a new rhythm. I knew that He had asked me to take the job with Starbucks and that He was leading me into a new leg of my journey so I knew He would help me find balance and a new rhythm. I also had a sneaking suspicion that being flexible and diligent enough to find a new balance was actually part of the point in all of this. So as I struggled and wrestled and prayed I also tried to look with eyes of faith knowing that no matter what things look like or how I felt, God was in control and He was still busy working in my life to make me more like Jesus.

I am accustomed to having great deal of time to spend talking to God and studying in the morning. I know that time with God does not necessarily have to be in the morning, but it has been a rhythm in my life for a really long time. Being the creature of habit that I am, losing my usual way, time and rhythm of life has been kind of difficult and extremely uncomfortable. The last couple weeks leading up to this week, I have really missed my time with Jesus. It kind of felt like being married to someone who is gone oversees or something. I was still in relationship; it was just different and a little distant. I knew that He was not actually distant, but it sure did feel distant. I was a little sad and crying out desperately every chance I could for Him to help me find a new rhythm that included being able to spend time with Him in the midst of this crazy schedule. It did make me very hungry to to seek Him and cry out for His help to find time to be with Him. To make matters worse, my treadmill went out on me. That would be the second treadmill that I have killed. I guess they aren't really made to put a lot of miles on; they are more for sitting in your room hold clothes, because I use mine a lot and it seems to kill them. I went like two weeks without it. I was riding my bike, but it is not the same. Yesterday, one of my friends gave me a treadmill. She is a wonderful friend. I guess really Jesus gave me the treadmill. I just really seem to need that time on the treadmill in the morning. Nothing else effects me quite like running on the treadmill in the morning does. I made a very resistant Larry go and pick it up last night. I have to say that I was giddy getting it into the house. I actually could not wait to go to sleep so I could wake up and run with Jesus. I felt so much better today. I haven't felt like this in several weeks. I think it must be a combination of things that makes it so beneficial to me. I believe that it is physiological and spiritual. Running does something to my brain chemistry that nothing else is able to do. It is like my antidepressant/ mood stabilizer. It also does great things for my soul and attitude to have that time to talk to God and process through struggles, responsibilities, goals, etc. Running puts me in a very receptive mindset. I am able to work through so many things and get the Lords mind on life, situation, etc. I don't care what anyone says, that is my place of solitude; that is where God meets me, deals with me, and teaches me. It doesn't matter if anyone else gets it; that is me and God's place. It is also interesting that each time I have put a treadmill to death, He sends me another. So, I run in the morning and I bike in the afternoon. It works well for me. I felt so much more balanced, stable, at peace and alive today after my run.

As I was saying, I am getting used to getting up super early. I am finding ways to connect with God and I am beginning to develop a new rhythm to my day. I guess some of us are so natural at developing habits and being disciplined that God has to shake us up and disrupt our order to do a new work.

I love my new job. It is such a blessing to be able to work early in the morning and be able to get off by 10 or 11 am so that I have the whole rest of the day to spend with my children and friends. I love that I get to see so many of the same people every morning and build a relationship with them. It is so great to be able to learn to genuinely care about them and connect with them. I get the biggest kick out of remembering their drink and remembering their names. I absolutely love that I get to work with such a wonderful friend as my boss. She is so amazing and teaches me so much about loving people and serving each and every one of them. I really, really love my job and feel like it is such a blessing in my life. I say all that to lead into the process of taking the job. I was so, so, so resistant to taking it. I really did not want to take it. And that resistance was all about my ego. I really did not see Starbucks as a real job; even after I knew that God wanted me to take it, I was really put off by the idea. I was willing to take the job, but only b/c I love Jesus and do not want to disobey Him. I also know that anything God asks us to do is a blessing and is for our good. I just kept thinking, "I am a makeup artist and I have a hair license; I have a college degree and you want me to make coffee. What am I going to do when people who know me come in and see me?" I was so concerned about how it would effect my "status" in the mind of people. I was concerned about being looked down on and treated like others were better than me. I was kind of ashamed of going to work at "Starbucks". There are still times that I struggle with telling certain people, especially people in the hair and makeup industry. How terrible that I felt and sometimes still feel that way. Why would I be ashamed of obeying God. Why does it matter what people think about me and my job? Really the only thing that should matter is "Am I obeying God; is He pleased with where I am working?" My status in the world or among peers really means nothing when compared with His love and what He thinks about me. After all the struggle, I love my job. I love the people I work with and get to interact with every day. I love knowing that God is still at work in my life changing me and using me. And the truth of the matter is that anyone who looks down on me has a problem they need to deal with. It really has nothing to do with me and does not reflect on me at all. What reflects on me is that I choose to obey even when it is difficult and not glamorous. The most important thing is that God asked me to do something and it turned out that when I obeyed, I loved it.

I hope to be able to write more frequently again now. I have quite a build up of thoughts, lessons and experiences to pour out again.