Five Minute Friday: Light

Linking to Five minute Friday with Gypsy Mama.

My life is so blessed. It is light and love and grace. I find sometimes I feel guilty for the abundant grace and blessing that encompasses my life.

I ask why me? Why are things so hard and so dark for others when everyday my life is filled with light.

Why are my two musicians friends, who are so filled with beautiful talent, lost in a dark desperate place. Why has reality fled them, and yet He brought me back from the darkness of a lost reality? Why do some get so lost in addiction that they can't find their way out; when He delivered me and took away the chains that bound me to repeat the addictive pattern.

Why do I get to have 3 beautiful children in spite of that fact the my reproductive organs are so scarred that they are supposed to be incapable of conceiving; when so many I know who did not make choices that lead to damaged reproduction cannot conceive.

Why do I look at my beautiful children perfectly healthy and growing in grace each and every day and another looks into the eyes of a child who dies of a disease that mother passed to child. I should have that disease. Dirty needles and loose living should have sentenced me to death and with it's death sentence on me an identical sentence to my children.

Yet, His grace.

Why in all my attempts to take life from my body, always He kept the breath of life in me? When all around me people fight to live and die none the less.

I am so grateful for the light. His light has led me from a place of such darkness, such hopelessness, such loss, chains that cut into my skin, chains that held my mind.

In His light, all the chains fell away, all the darkness fled, all that was lost has been returned with more than I could have ever dreamed. The girl lost in the darkness has become the woman of light and love and hope.

But there is always the why in the back of my mind. Thank you Lord, but why? What about the others?

Putting away lying

I flipped open my bible to Ephesians and began to read. It always amazes me that I can choose what I think is a random passage to read and God will illuminate and speak so clearly to me. I know it shouldn't surprise me by now, but it still evokes a sense of awe in me. As I read I came to Ephesians 4:25 " Therefore putting away lying, "Let each of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another. It really struck me so I stopped and began to ponder.

I have read this book of the Bible a thousand times, and have read this verse over and over, but two things struck me about it. Every other time I have read this verse I have really concentrated on the not lying to one another part. I really make every effort to tell the truth and not shade it or lie. When I realize that I have misrepresented something I am pretty quick to go back, admit what I have done and ask for forgiveness. My children used to really make fun of the fact that mom wouldn't even tell a white lie. I have gotten the attitude at times from people that this is a fault my refusal to tell any type of lie. I feel like it is what God wants me to do. I find sometimes that b/c I am so careful to tell the truth I also generally assume that people are sincerely telling me the truth. Then I am really surprised and hurt when I find out someone has lied to me.

Anyway, enough about that. What I had never really pondered was the last half of the verse. For we are members of one another. I know that the body of Christ is considered members of one another, but I didn't read don't lie to fellow believers b/c we are members of one another, it read don't lie to your neighbor. So I went on a search to see if anyone else had the same thought process that I had. Was this verse saying that we are all in fact members of one another?

I found a lot of reverences to the Body of Christ, but I did also find those that pointed to all of humanity being members of one another. We are, as humans, part of the same race of created beings. We all came from the same original set of parents: Adam and Eve. What we do and say to one another effects us all. So how does that effect how we should interact with everyone. We are told not to lie to anyone. Do we misrepresent? Do we exaggerate? Do we take advantage of people's trust? Do we excuse not being completely honest and transparent in our dealings with people outside of the church, justifying that they are not a part of the family of God? But aren't they they family of God? Isn't every human being created in the image of God? Whether they choose to glorify Him or not, each and every person is an image bearer. Is there ever a reason to deceive anyone? What if we made a point to be totally truthful at all time not matter the cost?

Then Romans 13:10 came to my mind. "Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law." Deceiving anyone is harming them. If we are out for the good of everyone else, even over ourselves we have no need to lie or harm.

This lead me to the following list of verses about how to treat people:

Galatians 6:10

¹⁰ So then, ^(A)as we have opportunity, let us ^(B)do good to everyone, and especially to those who are ^(C)of the household of faith.

Proverbs 3:27

English Standard Version (ESV)

^{27 (A)}Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,^[a]
when it is in your power to do it.

1 Thessalonians 5:15

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁵ See that ^(A)no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always ^(B)seek to do good to one another and to everyone.

Romans 12:10

English Standard Version (ESV)

^{10 (A)}Love one another with brotherly affection. ^(B)Outdo one another in showing honor.

Philippians 2:3

English Standard Version (ESV)

³ Do nothing from ^(A)selfish ambition or ^(B)conceit, but in ^(C)humility count others more significant than yourselves.

1 Peter 5:5-6

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁵ Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. ^(A)Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ^(B)“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

1 Peter 4:9

English Standard Version (ESV)

^{9 (A)}Show hospitality to one another without grumbling

Galatians 6:2

English Standard Version (ESV)

^{2 (A)}Bear one another's burdens, and ^(B)so fulfill ^(C)the law of Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹¹ Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

Ephesians 4:32

English Standard Version (ESV)

^{32 (A)}Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, ^(B)forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Romans 12:16

English Standard Version (ESV)

^{16 (A)}Live in harmony with one another. ^(B)Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.^{[a] (C)}Never be wise in your own sight.

John 13:34-35

English Standard Version (ESV)

^{34 (A)}A new commandment ^(B)I give to you, ^(C)that you love one another: ^(D)just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. ^{35 (E)}By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

I John 3:11

1 For ^(A)this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, ^(B)that we should love one another.

1 John 4:12

English Standard Version (ESV)

^{12 (A)}No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and ^(B)his love is perfected in us.

1 Peter 4:8

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁸ Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since ^(A)love covers a multitude of sins.


I know that is a long list of scriptures. I guess the point I wanted to make is that we are to love everyone and put their needs above ours. We are to prefer them over ourselves and refuse to do any harm to anyone. That includes deceiving, gossiping, ignoring or looking down upon. Galatians says to do good to everyone and especially the household of faith, but lets not rush into the household of faith part ignoring the do good to EVERYONE. Just like we wouldn't intentionally harm our own bodies, since everyone is a member of everyone, we are to care for, bless, nourish, cherish and do no harm to anyone.

Very quickly the other things that stuck out to me was that the "Let each of you speak truth with his neighbor," in the verse is a quote b/c in the verse it is in parenthesis. So I went on a search for where is was being quoted from. I found it in Zechariah 8:16 "There are these things which you should do: speak the truth to one another; judge with truth and judgement for peace in your gates."

How much peace would there be internally and relationally if we simply always strive to tell the truth and do no harm to our neighbor no matter the cost to us or what we might have to let go of gaining for ourselves.

Let love be without hypocrisy

Romans 12:9 (KJV) days Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.

I really got stuck on Let love be without hypocrisy. The ESV says: Let love be genuine. I meditated and journaled on this yesterday and today and thought I would share.

When I seek out a definition for love, I am usually led directly to 1 Cor. 13. As most people probably are being that it is called the love chapter.

I Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶ it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (ESV)

That is a tall order to do with people whom we spend our lives with, whom we have emotional attachments to. We fail over and over miserably with them. Most of the time we don't even try to do that with others we don't know; we do even less of it with people we don't care for or whose who are not like us.

But who are we commanded to love?

Romans 13:8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another fulfills the law.

Romans 13:10 Love does not harm to a neighbor, therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Matthew 5:43-45
⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

Loving without hypocrisy, loving genuinely is not easy. As a matter of fact it is impossible in ourselves. It is only possible through His Spirit dwelling in us. Only when we are full of Him, when we have brought all of our needs to Him and we are not seeking to have them filled any other way, can we poor out unconditional, overflowing, never ending, genuine love. He is the only source of love. We cannot manufacture it or find it in ourselves or anyone else. We can only receive love from Him and give genuine love out to others from the river which flows out of us by His Holy Spirit dwelling in us. We can be fulfilled in Him and then seek to give or serve with no thought of return because He is our source and we are always full in Him.

He is the only source of unconditional love. Our love always contains conditions. We always have mixed motives and in our giving love we are seeking to receive something back. Perfect love originates in God and exists in us only as we exist in Him and He in us.

^{I John 4:16
16} So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

I John 4:19
9 We love because he first loved us.

As He is the only source of love, as He is love, we can only love through Him. His love abides in us and flows out of us. This means that those who do not know Him cannot truly love. Love involves sacrifice; it involves placing others above oneself. The world does not and cannot teach us that. Sin causes us to love only self. The world does not understand it; the world sees this type of behavior as foolish; love comes only from God. Anything called love which does not originate from God is not love no matter what it is called. Love outside of God is hypocrisy.

I John 4:9-11
⁹ In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. ¹⁰ In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. ¹¹ Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Presence

Everywhere I turn the message to me seems to be "stay in the moment, be present". I have never been very good at that and I am not sure that I even totally understand what that means. I do know that I have a loving, gracious heavenly Father who is willing and in the process of teaching me what that means and how to do it. Jesus was always in the moment, fully engaged and available. Now, being in the moment is not something that we, as Americans, are very good at. To further complicate that matter for me is the survival mechanism I learned from a very early age to keep myself alive. I spend the first 20 years of my life escaping in my mind, detaching myself from whatever abuse I might be experiencing at the moment. I lived most of my life in a very compartmentalized manner. I would keep things in boxes and closets in my mind. It has taken the last 18 years of my life to learn not to disassociate from what was going on around me. But, for the majority of my life I felt like I lived inside a plexiglass box that no one else could see. I could see and be seen, communicate and appear to be involved, but there was a thick sheet of plexiglass between me and everyone else. This left me feeling isolated and alone. Now this compartmentalization and detachment served me well in my early years. Without that coping strategy I am not sure I would have been able to survive the things I have survived, however, I cannot keep living my life that way, nor can I use the abuse as an excuse to stay disconnected. For one thing, that kind of live is not truly alive; it is a hollow, empty, dead existence. We are called out of death and into life. We are called to depth, abundance and richness. In the last 18 months I have learned, for the first time in my life to connect with people. I have learned to allow people into my space and let them become important enough to me that they aren't dispensable. I have learned to feel empathy for others, to feel their pain and joy, to share in the experience of humanity. I have learned to not shut down when I feel emotions for myself or for others. I have learned to show people how broken I am; I have learned to expose my weaknesses and struggles, to trust people with the holes in my armor and even begin to tear down the fortress that has kept me safe, but isolated. This process has been a learning process and a healing process. It has been allowing God to talk to me and expose the roots and then give me the courage to reach out and open up. It has been such a tremendous and amazing experience. I have so many really wonderful people in my life. I have so many deep connections.

Now I feel like God is saying it's time to take it a step further. I don't really live too much in the past. The past is over; God has forgiven me and healed me of so much. What I did not realize was that I have been living in the future more than that presence. I am realizing that I have missed out on the fullness of so many experiences and so much love and beauty in my life b/c I was always striving to make things better. I have been so driven for so many years to get us in a "better financial situation". I have always wanted my children to have more than we did. I wanted to take them on vacations, pay for them to go to college. I wanted to be able to give them lessons/sports/or whatever they wanted to participate in. I wanted to be able to give them braces, buy them a car when they were old enough to drive. I didn't want them to feel like we were poor. (Not that we are poor in comparison to the rest of the world.) I am not talking filthy rich just comfortable. What I am now realizing is that we are still pretty much in the same financial situation that we have been in for the last decade, so that striving and discontentment have not moved us forward at all. What it has done is make me miss out on really being present for the life we have lived in the moments we have lived it. It's not like I am saying that I wasn't around. I just missed out on really just enjoying the moments and resting in exactly the place we were in. I was discontent and striving, obsessed with this idea that if we had more, if I could give the kids what I didn't have that they would be happier and turn out better. I realize now that I could have taught them the beauty of contentment in the Lord. I could have taught them the beauty of God's provision and delighting in unexpected blessings instead of teaching them that "tomorrow when we have more then we can really live." I have not taught them to rest and be thankful for the little things. I have not stopped to smell the roses, or taste the sweetness of the fruit, or look at the beauty all around us, b/c I was in too big a hurry to get to some "ideal destination". Who needs Disneyland when you have woods and bugs, creeks and fish, stars and lightning bugs?

I guess my point is (I hope I have conveyed my heart) that the moments and experiences I could have had with my children and husband were not fully experienced as they could have been b/c I was too busy being discontent and thinking that I would enjoy life when I "arrived" at the "destination". I have heard a lot that life is a journey not a destination, but I think I just now really understand what that means. The bumps, struggles, and tests are part of the beauty as are the moments of laughter, good food and just sitting under the stars.

That being said, I cannot go back and change any of that. I also cannot live in regret or condemnation. What I can do is start today learning to be present. I can start to be aware of things around me and in me. I can begin to indulge the senses that God gave me and enjoy all that is around me. I can be in the moments I am given and trust the the next moments will come by God's grace without me having to fret or help them along. I can take moment to kiss my husband and tell him every day several times a day how much I love him and how grateful I am that he loves me and that I get to share life with him. I can stop and listen to Chloe's stories about her day. I can allow my children to help me cook and sew or whatever they are interested in participating with me. I can listen to the music Stephen wants to share with me. I can gaze at the incredible beauty that Ally has grown into. I can experience the smell of the coffee at work and connect with each of my customers with genuine appreciation that they have come to see me. I can stop and slowly chew and taste my food. I can be aware of how songs move me or art inspires me. I can be aware of my breath going in and out as I run. I can smell the food cooking and anticipate the taste in my mouth. I can let myself touch the textures all around me. I can stop to feel the wind and smell the scents it carries to me. I can walk in the grass barefoot, jump on the trampoline, listen to my husband breath as he sleeps. I can allow myself time to create just for the sake of creating. The list is endless. I will live in this moment. It will take practice. I am sure there is so much more to this that God will need to teach me, but today I will begin the journey of embracing the journey. I will let the destination take care of itself. I have ended up in so many places different from where I thought I would be. I don't know exactly all the places this path God has me one will lead to, but I do know that I can enjoy the walk and experience it deeply instead of trying to get to where I am going "quickly".

Baby Boy

Yes, again it has been a very long time since I wrote. October was a very long month. I was intending to only work my yearly Fright Fest job doing makeup out at Six Flags, but things did not go quite as planned. I ended up needing to have a surgical biopsy done which meant that I needed to keep my Starbucks job and insurance. That complication led to me working two jobs; it was a pretty exhausting run. Then in the midst of that I had surgery to have lymph node removed and biopsied. Praise God, the lymph node ended up not being cancerous. Oddly enough, it was filled with blue black tattoo pigment. I didn't even know that was possible. Google it if you are skeptical. I was and I did and it does happen. It is not harmful; it just mimics cancer b/c it causes a very suspicious looking calcification. It was a day surgery which I thought I would quickly recover from, but, as it turned out, now three weeks later, it still hurts. The combination of the above really kind of kept me in survival mode leaving no time to blog. Not that I needed all that as an excuse b/c sometimes I go longer for no good reason. This post, though, has been rolling around in my mind for literally 3 or 4 weeks.

I love working Fright Fest. It is my favorite job of the year. I begin to get excited about July knowing that as we head into fall we will begin planning for the season to begin. I have so much fun working Fright Fest. There are a lot of reason for this. I love Halloween. I love zombies and gore. I love the creativity I get to exhibit making different characters and wounds. Most of all, though, I love the kids and people I get to work with. I become very attached to them over the month of October. However, I realized coming home the second weekend of Fright Fest that I wasn't having nearly as much fun as I usually do. I began to think and wonder, "what is going on with me?" "Why is this just not as fun as it usually is?" I have had to work Fright Fest and another job before, so that wasn't it. As I thought about it and analyzed myself, it hit me what it was. My son, Stephen, had not been coming out. He was what was missing. He made Fright Fest fun for me. I didn't even realize how much joy he brought to the job. It wasn't until he wasn't around that I realized that he was a major part of what Fright Fest was to me. Fright Fest was, "our thing". Because I home schooled him for 2 and half years, he was basically with me every day around the clock for those almost 3 years. We would begin to get excited together and count down the months prior to Fright Fest starting. As it would get closer the excitement would build and even make it hard for him to focus on school. He would stop about every 5 minutes to ask about something or talk about some aspect of the upcoming season. Then it would start and we would begin planning and getting ready every Thursday. We would try to get ahead on school so that Fridays work would be light. We would get up on Friday morning and start packing and prepare to leave. We would drive together in the car, most of the time just him and me. We would listen to music really loud and drive the 45 minute drive into Arlington. The weekend would be exhausting and exhilarating. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I would do makeup and he would watch and wait for time to go to the haunted house to scare the patrons. He would scare from open to close with no break; he would often go without eating all day long and he did all this for free (no pay, just for the joy of doing it). He would come even if he was sick; he never wanted to miss a moment of it. So, it was Stephen; he made Fright Fest so much fun; his excitement was contagious. It was not the same without him.

Over the last few weeks being at work at Fright Fest and especially driving home, I would think about how much I was missing Stephen being with me. Everyone else missed him as well. He is such a fun and energetic force to be around. I began to realize that I was grieving over the loss of that experience. I would sometimes come close to crying as I realize that my little boy is very quickly growing up. He is becoming more independent and needing me less. This year it has really hit me that the time we get to spend with our children is so short. It is over before we know it. They will always be our children, but it changes. When your in the middle of the day to day living, day to day fun, day to day fighting, you think it will last forever. It did not occur to me last year to cling to those moments with Stephen; I did not take time to relish the energy and excitement that we had together. When it ended, I just thought, "we'll do this again next year." last year was really the last year for that. I never get to go back to that. I have the memories, but that season will never be again. People always told me to cherish those moments you get, b/c they are gone before you know it, but I didn't believe them. Now I get to be the one telling people who won't listen to beware b/c in a flash it is over. This year I went from spending every day with Stephen (more time than I thought I really wanted to spend with him) to him going back to school, not attending Fright Fest with me, and pretty much pulling away from me very quickly. He doesn't have much time for me and for the most part finds me to be pretty annoying. I just figured he would always be my little boy. I realize now that I did not stop nearly enough to "nuggle" with him when he asked. He won't even hug me right now. There has always been so many other things I needed to do when the kids were wanting my attention. Those things seem so stupid and unimportant now.

Now, I am absolutely stupid about getting his attention. If I have a moment that he will give me the time of day I will do almost anything from enduring wrestling and arm punching to listening to any and every song that he wants to share with me. If he stops to tell me something or says hey listen to this song mom, I am there b/c I know that those moments will continue to become less and less at least for the next couple years. His latest obsession is Kid Cudi so guess who is newly a fan of Kid Cudi. I don't always appreciate the language, but I do appreciate the opportunity to share something with my son. Stephen also introduced me to T.I. (talk about language). When I hear those songs, though, they remind me of the moments I get to share with Stephen.

Maybe what I really want to share with everyone is take the moments when you can get them. There are so many more when they are young, but remember they don't last forever. Grab up every moment they will give you. When they get older, you may have to share moments in a way different than you may want to or think about. I may not appreciate all the music Stephen appreciates, but if I just forbid it then he will listen to it elsewhere without me. At least if we are listening to it together, we get to share it and I have to opportunity to talk to him about it and maybe give him some perspective on what is being talked about. Just remember there comes a time that you don't get as much control over the moments; you can either try to be picky and miss moments or you can relax a bit and have more moments; they may be different moments than you would choose, but they will be moments none-the-less.

Reversing Roles

And again, it has been a bit since I had anything to say. I have been in the process of de-cluttering my life. Getting the clutter out will allow time to write and to create. I am finally reaching a place in my life that I really get it that doing more doesn't make me important. Being busy doesn't necessarily mean we are productive and being productive is not the point in this life. It is not productive to have a long lingering dinner with friends enjoying food and fellowship, but it is more the point than running ourselves crazy building a kingdom for ourselves that will be burning up in the end and amount to nothing. I am learning to stop and take time to take in the moments, enjoy friends, laugh with my family, taste the flavor of the food God provides for me, sit in His presence and enjoy just being there with no agenda but to enjoy my Creator. How much we could learn if we would stop and take life in like a child. Children are content to just sit with us (sometimes) with no agenda or need to be productive. They just want to be where we are. They enjoy the silly simple pleasures of life like running barefoot through the grass, or playing in the rain; they enjoy the flavor of food and don't worry about how many calories or fat is has. If we could just simplify our life and be more intentional about not letting the world squeeze into a mold, give us an identity or tell us what to value. I am hoping as I continue to make space in my life that I will write and create more. I want to use the gifts God gave me and not waste them b/c my life is too busy to develop them.

The bike ride was one of the things that needed to go. There was a such a process in getting me to the place that I could give it up. I am such a driven person and really wired to finish what I start. It is very hard for me to walk away from a task until it is finished. So giving up the ride was kind of a wrestling match for me. I was pretty consumed with riding for a few months. I spent a great deal of time on my bike and a another good chunk of energy focused on planning how to get my miles in. I didn't really realize who much pressure was on me until it was removed. I don't necessarily thing that the cycling was a bad thing innately; I don't even think it was an idol. It just took too much of the little bit of time I have and didn't allow me to focus enough on the things that should be my priority right now. I am reading a Oswald Chambers book on the Sermon on the Mount. One of the things it said was that giving up sin is one thing, but the challenge comes when we are asked to give up good things for Him. Cycling is not a bad thing, but, when asked to give it up then I reach a cross road. If I choose not to give it up, then it becomes bad b/c it is an idol b/c I choose it over obedience.

Over the last few weeks, my husband and I have been listening to a lot more sermons on our Ipods. We were listening to a series by Matt Chandler of the Village Church called The Path. We were both challenged in many different ways. It was a tremendous series which caused us to evaluate things and see the need for some changes. One of the main changes that we really as a couple agreed on was a reversal of roles. As most anyone can see, in our marriage, I pretty much run the shop. I do what I want to do and he backs me up. He doesn't really challenge me much and he doesn't really lead or make many decisions. We both see and take our responsibility in this situation. (This situation seems to be pretty common place in our society, but God will have to deal with everyone else; it's not my place.) As I have shared this story with my different circles of friends, the sentiment has been almost unanimous, "Us too." I take responsibility for taking charge and he takes responsibility for being passive and not leading or challenging me. We are moving toward reversing things, but it will probably be a journey for both of us. We may fall back into the pattern at times as it is the norm and comfortable for us, but God will be faithful to challenge us when we are falling back into comfort. Soon after this discussion my husband and I had, we got to put feet to our words. He told me that he did not think I should do the ride. Right at that moment, I had a choice to makes; I believe that it was a defining moment for me. Would we move toward the new order of things or would I be willful and push us back into the old way of functioning. I made the right choice. This choice was not too hard for me, but I am sure the tests and choices will get more challenging. I feel so much peace in my decision. I don't feel the need to analyze and second guess my choice. I didn't make the decision to drop the ride. I made the decision to defer to the wisdom of my husband and obey him. I believe in God's order of things, I will never be wrong for choosing to submit to my husband. God will always honor that choice and the gentle heart of obedience. I also feel more peaceful because I don't feel the pressure to make all the decisions and make everything work out. While my husband and I are partners in this life and equal, ultimately the responsibility falls on his shoulders. That is a wonderful relief to me. I guess it's b/c I have been shouldering responsibility that is not mine to shoulder. I I used to it liberated me to take charge b/c I can be in charge and make my own decisions, but that is not true liberation. It is bondage to pressure that God did not create me to carry. True liberation is being able to trust my husband to lead and have our families best interest at heart and being able to trust that God is able to speak to my husband and guide him and redeem any mistakes. The opposite of faith and trust is control and manipulation. Faith and trust lead to life and peace; control and manipulation lead to stress, fear and contentions. The word says that perfect love casts out all fear. That can be applied to receiving and believing in God's love for me and in my husbands love for me. Neither of them would want to harm me. When I am tempted to doubt my husband and be afraid he won't make the right decision, I need to remind myself to trust God in my husband; I need to trust that as God can speak to me and redirect me, He can do the same for me husband. In that is peace. To be honest, though, much of my controlling the house has less to do with not trusting Larry to make the right decision and more to do with me just wanting to have my way. I have been a pretty willful person my whole life and so that will not die easily, but one day at a time I will choose to commit my will to God and ask Him to give me that ability to be gentle, trusting and submissive. I was watching a documentary about the widows in Afghanistan one day and one of the women made a profound statement that I have never forgotten and have meditated upon every since. She said they had a saying in Afghanistan which says, "A husband is shade." She said, "He is a covering to keep out the sun and protect." I think that is something that we, in our society have missed. Our husbands are our protectors, and shade to us, if we will let them be. Without shade we are subject to the elements and predators. I want to lean upon my husband and let him be my shade.

We have always had a really great marriage. He is absolutely my favorite person on the face of this planet. He is my best friend and there is literally no one I would rather spend time with. There is commitment, passion, and stability between us. I have a feeling, though, that this leg of the journey we are embarking on is going to give us depth like we never thought possible. I think that things are just going to be even better. It is a great thing to be on the same page about life, where we are going and how we intend to get there.

Little Easter Revelation

God has been working on this for a couple of days, but this morning He really drove the point home.

Many of my friends know of the ongoing drama of the "drug house" that we moved into. We have had several visitors that were hoping to find the former tenants. To explain the latest piece of the puzzle, I have to rewind to right before we moved in. A new kid started at my daughter's place of work. Through the course of conversation they figured out that he had just moved out of the house we were living in. It was a strangest sort of "coincidence". Then it got complicated as his apparently mentally ill girl friend decided that Ally was trying to steal her boyfriend. Ridiculous! She began calling repeatedly and hanging up. She would do this for hours straight, literally call hang up and immediately call again. Ally ended up on the phone with her some time at the beginning of this; the girl had been screaming at her boyfriend and asked to speak with Ally. When the girl accused Ally, Ally just laughed, said "Don't flatter yourself, I have a boyfriend and I have no interest in your boyfriend," then hung up. The calling went on and on. When Ally would answer the girl would call her a bitch or worse. Finally, the place of employment fired the boy and pressed charges on the girl. I was not too concerned about the matter, until she showed up at our house. We realized that they knew where we lived b/c they lived here before us. They also know where Ally works and leave after 10 pm on most nights. By God's grace, the two showed up when Ally, my mother and I were gone. Only Larry (my husband), Chloe (my youngest) and Larry's brother were home. I have to be honest, I would have taken that girl out and asked Jesus to forgive me later. Call it fleshly instinct, mother's instinct, or whatever. I am a short somewhat tiny girl, but I am strong and I lived on the streets almost 20 years ago. In case you aren't aware, I am not someone you want to really tangle with. Thankfully, I am generally a peace loving hippie type. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I just want everyone to get along and love each other, but deep inside of me that homeless punk girl still lives. I would have shown her crazy like she has never seen. She probably would have been horizontal before she even realized that I have made a move toward her. My husband said,"If I would have thought about it, I would have told her that Ally's mom used to be homeless and she is crazy as a loon." With my rooster hair and my sleeve,I am sure she might have been a little intimidated when she saw me. I am not really what most people expect when you say mom. Needless to say, I was livid. I was ready to kick that girl into next week. I did not care about being a Christian, or living a crucified life at all. She talked smack to Larry, who refused to engage her. He just kept saying "I don't care what you have to say about her, you better leave my daughter alone; I don't play games." He just kept repeating it like a broken record, so they finally left. I am so glad that I was not home. I would have reacted and probably landed myself in jail in the process.
By the next morning God was already at work in my heart. As I ran, I realized that I could not hate the girl or be angry at her. I had to pray for her. She was me. I was crazy jealous like that. I was a nut case before Jesus turned me into a pecan pie. I would have totally gone to some poor girls house and yelled at her. I actually would have probably started beating on her. How sad, b/c Ally really didn't do anything. She really" loves" her boyfriend; whatever that means at 17. But she does care about him and has no interest in this other kid. But had I been the girl I wouldn't have been reasonable either; I would have beaten up an innocent girl b/c I was threatened by her. I started praying for her and the girl with the rotten teeth to come to the Kingdom. I prayed for the Spirit to go ahead and prepare the way and make their hearts open to the gospel and for God to send authentic Christians into their lives to love them and show them the way home, but I was still angry about her.

I prayed the next day for the whole crew, dad, mom, son (boyfriend), girl friend, and the girl with the rotten teeth.

Then this morning as I ran and prayed, and I prayed for them b/c I committed in my heart to pray for them something deeper happened. I saw the whole thing in light of the last day, when we stand before the Lord. I saw the situation outside of my small little story and say it in light of the much bigger story being told. The story that began before I was born and will still, probably, be being told when I am gone. The story that I am in for only a moment; our time here is like the flicker of a lightning bug. We forget that next to eternity and even history, our time here on earth is so fleeting. I saw a much bigger story that I am blessed to be able to have minute in. All this "coincidence" could not possibly just be coincidence. Seriously, what are the chances of the boy being hired at my daughters place of employment. Of all the places, of all the stores in a chain, with the girl who is moving into his house, a house where drugs were dealt. No chance in my mind that this was a coincidental chain of events. God was in the middle of the whole big mess. He orchestrated the whole thing. He chose this house for us. He decided that we would move into a former drug house. The former drug addict, in a house that will quite possibly see many former customers at it's door. The crazy girl friend deciding she hated Ally and stalking her. God has a plan. He knows my heart and He knows what I do when someone does something to me. I get angry for a minute, then I begin to pray. And when I say I am praying for someone it is not with pretense. I am not one of those who says they will pray then walks away and forgets. If I say I am praying, you can take it to the bank. Once you get on my list, you will be there for a while. As a matter of fact, I have a really hard time removing people once they are on. My list just keeps getting longer and longer. Call it a twitch. I feel very responsible for the people on my list of prayer. Not responsible to fix them or something, but responsible to lift them up every morning. I am a creature of rhythm and habit. I pray every day, like I breath and eat. I am not trying to say I am something special or spiritual, or whatever. I am just stating that prayer is as much a part of my life as eating is. It is something I spend a lot of time doing every day. God has given me a gift of being able to develop habits and rhythms very easily and in that He has made prayer a very rhythmic part of my life. So, He purposefully, brought this situation and these people into our lives b/c He has them in mind for the Kingdom. He wants them to come into the Family of God, so He has assigned me to them to seek His face for them. I don't know everything about prayer; as a matter of fact, I don't know much about prayer except that it works, it is a mystery and it is something that beats inside me like my heart. So, I have no doubt that these people are coming to know God b/c I have been assigned like a prayer marine to storm the gates of hell until the shackles fall off of their hands and feet and they are welcomed into the arms of the one who died for them.

There is no coincidence only Providence.

Then when I read my devotional for this morning, God drove it home for good measure. Luke 23:34 says, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." Jesus prayed for all those around Him. He prayed for the religious leaders, the Romans, the disciples who abandoned Him; he prayed for all of humanity, including this family who used to live in this house. If He can pray, "Father, forgive them, in regards to the ones who nailed Him to the tree, how can I do anything less for the girl who just yelled at my daughter. Haven't we all done at least that, yelled at someone.

I am quite sure that God probably raised up stealth bombers to pray for me. There is no telling how many people prayed for me to come into the Kingdom. I am so grateful that He loves me enough to assign people to pray for me. What a beautiful day it was on earth and in eternity when those prayers found fulfillment. What an amazing day when the "the girl with the mohawk" came to Jesus. Who know someone may have prayed for me just like that, just like I pray for the girl with the rotten teeth. I stole from so many people and did so many terrible things, who knows, God may have directed my destructive behavior to one of His prayer warrior just b/c He know, like He knew with me, that they would pray for me. What a good and gracious God we serve.

I would like to ask for all of my friends and followers to pray diligently for these individuals. God has eyes for them. Jesus loves them and we have no idea what amazing works God has for them to do.
Ephesians 2:1-10
And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just s the others. But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved) and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. FOR BY GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED THROUGH FAITH, AND THAT NOT OF YOURSELVES; IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD, NOT OF WORKS, LEST ANYONE SHOULD BOAST. FOR WE ARE HIS WORKMANSHIP, CREATED IN CHRIST JESUS FOR GOOD WORKS, WHICH GOD PREPARED BEFOREHAND THAT WE SHOULD WALK IN THEM.

Who knows what works He has for them to do. Pray for them. J and T (mom and dad), T and girlfriend, and girl with rotten teeth. I don't want to put their names out of respect for them. Please pray diligently for them. The enemy has them and wants to keep them, but we must pray for them and fight for their salvation. I don't want a pretense of prayer, but I pray that God puts passion and love in your heart for them and compassion for the suffering they are undergoing at the hand of a very cruel master.

I am praying for myself as well. I pray that God will break my heart and fill me with His Spirit, love and compassion so that if I am faced with them I will share my story and how Jesus changed my life in a way that is authentic and loving and impactful.

What a beautiful Resurrection gift. I am so glad that God does these things. He is so good to me and I love Him with all my heart.

When God shows you your heart

God has the most unpleasant way of showing me what is really in my heart. I am so glad that He does it, but it is usually pretty disconcerting. We think we have come so far, which I definitely have, but lest I get proud God is so faithful to show me how far I still have to go.

This morning, as I ran, there was a knock on the door. It was pretty early, 830ish. I felt, at first, a little annoyed thinking it must be Ally needing in after locking her keys in the car. First, for those that do not know, the house I recently moved into used to be a drug house. Apparently a lot of Chrystal Methamphetamine came out of this house. The narcotics officers came to see the first week I was here. They did not realize that the house had been vacated and was now inhabited by a family that did not sell or even do drugs. We have only had knocks on our door twice so far that were for the previous tenants. I was kind of expecting a lot more of that.

Any way, on with my story. As I opened the door I say a youngish girl, with pretty rotten teeth (clue number one that you are dealing with Meth, for real). She asked for Tracy, the lady I have already been informed was one of the main players in this little Meth drama.

I, haughtily stated, "They don't live here any more, we do."

To which she replied, "Oh. I love your hair!"

I responded, "Thanks, there are no more drugs here and no more drugs dealers."

"Oh," she said and walked off.

I was so proud of myself and feeling quite amused with my quit witted response. I went to inform my husband with a grin on my face. Then I got back on my treadmill, where as most everyone who follows this blog knows I run and pray every morning for longer than I really want to admit to most people b/c I know they think I am crazy when they here how long I actually run every day. I enjoyed my amusement of myself for about 60 seconds on my treadmill before God started gently talking to me about what I had just done.

I missed last Sundays church service b/c I was sick as was the whole family. I like to keep up with the sermons b/c Mark (our teaching pastor) is spending this year going methodically through I Corinthians. I didn't want to miss out. So I listened to that sermon last night before I went to bed allowing for God to pull from what I had listened to Mark teach last night. I won't go into the whole sermon, but it was over 2 verses. The main thing God prodded me with was, "We are the temple of the Holy Spirit and He inhabits us like He once inhabited the physical temple in the Old Testament."

So God says to me, "Are you not the Temple of the Holy Spirit?" "Do I not inhabit your very being?" "Was there not someone just standing before you that needs me?" "My Spirit dwells in you to give you power and to love people." This girl is obviously held captive by a very harsh slave driver. I have been addicted to Meth; it is relentless; it is like being chained up in a darkness that there is not escape from. This poor girl with rotten teeth is chained to the gates of hell with chains that she had no idea would hold her so tightly. She was deceived at some point into willing putting her hands into the shackles that now hold her in an hopeless grasp, a dark, hopeless, painful grasp. I stood before her with the answer to all the longings in her heart, with the power to set her free. The only thing I lacked was the compassion to reach into her darkness, take her hand and lead her into the light. I lacked the heart to care about someone God brought onto my porch. "Jesus had compassion" is written so many times in the new testament. Jesus dwells in me and He had compassion on me or I wouldn't be here. Because He had compassion on me, I am now the Temple of the Holy Spirit. I have been pondering, chewing on, and trying to digest the idea of taking up my cross daily. I cry out to God every day to make me a lover and servant of people, to help me take up my cross and here stood before me the opportunity to take up my cross and act like Jesus and I missed it. I don't even know her name. I didn't even ask her name. My ego, my pride, the ugly, ugly part of my heart overlooked her need. Now, I may not have been able to make a difference in her life, but I will never know b/c I didn't even try. How different could that encounter have been if I had just reached out? How might things have turned out if I had instead said, "Tracy doesn't live here anymore, but I do. What is you name? I would like to pray for you. Do you know Jesus?" I will never know if possibly she was desperate enough this morning to hear that someone loves her so much that He died so He could redeem her, walk with her and make her the Temple of the Holy Spirit.

Oh my God, have mercy on me, have mercy on all of us. Forgive us for not having a heart of compassion and eyes to see the desperate states of so many around us. Help us to know that we have you dwelling in us and that you dwell in us not so we can walk around glad that we know you while the world around us goes to hell. Help us to remember that we hold the answers to all of life's problems, questions, and needs. Forgive us for taking for granted all that you have done in us and all that you have given us.

What really makes this horrible is I personally know what it is like to be chained up with those chains. Even in the midst of spending time with God in prayer, my first reaction was pride, arrogance, and lack of compassion. What an unpleasant realization to have to come to this morning.

I am so grateful that God knows our failings and our tendency to do the wrong thing. I am grateful that He knew that I would react in such a flippant insensitive manner. He will send another. As a matter of fact, I began to pray for her as soon as He had taken me to task. I prayed for Him to send godly, authentic, sincere individuals into her life to show her the way home. I prayed the he would life the veil off of her heart and give her eyes to see the truth and that He would not let the enemy blind her to the truth of the Gospel. I added her to my prayer list, "the girl with rotten teeth". He will send someone to her and He will be faithful to remind me to pray for her. I may not be able to be the one who takes her hand and leads her out of darkness (my loss, truly), but God, in His grace and mercy will allow me to participate in her life by praying for her. I have repented and so am no longer guilty of that sin, but I have learned a lesson; I have seen my heart and I did not like what I saw. I will not beat up on my self and continue to feel guilty, but I will pray diligently that God will change my heart and not let me do that again. He is so good that He would show me, b/c we do not work on what we do not see. If we are not aware that we need to change, we don't seek Him to change us. What an amazing and gracious God we serve that He does not let us be complacent. "He who began a good work in us, will be faithful to complete it til the day of Christ."

I am filled with the Holy Spirit and He gives me power to love, impact and care. We should be so finely tuned and aware that He is in us and He leads those in need to our paths. If we will just open our eyes to see the need and realize that we have the answer, if we could only have compassion, what could we do in this world. Why has the church become the laughing stock of the world; why is the church so impotent that we hardly change any place we are? It is b/c we don't love. We don't see that every person we pass each day was created in the image of God and is one that He died for. Lord, give us eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to care. How many times do we walk by someone who desperately needs what we have and we don't have to heart to see it and care enough to share, to reach our hands out?

I didn't even just walk by, God brought her to my door and I looked the other way. Change my heart o God!!!!

Just wanted to share; I hope that my harsh lesson opens the doors of your hearts so you can learn from me and maybe do better in the face of the test than I did.

Its been a hard couple weeks

It has been a while since I wrote in my blog. It has seemed to me like someone has had their finger on a fast forward button in regard to my life. I have been so busy and had to go so many places in the last couple weeks. I keep looking back at the end of a week and wondering what happened to the week. I really want to slow down a bit and find a slow motion button. I need about 48 hours in slow motion I think. We moved and then it seems like life just sped up. What seems to happen when I get in this mode is that, when it does slow down, I feel out of sorts. I keep feeling like surely there is somewhere I need to be or something I need to be doing. I haven't sewn in probably 4 or 5 weeks, the blog has been neglected for about 3 weeks. Today, once I confirmed to myself that I really didn't have anywhere I needed to go or anything I needed to do, I decided to write about the last couple weeks. Then I hope to be able to sit down and be creative for a few minutes.

This last couple weeks I have really been confronted with how temporary life really is. I have been jarred out of the attitude I tend to walk around with that says bad things don't really come my way. We have not had health insurance for about close to 6 years. I just kind of operate with the idea that we will be okay and we are somehow immune to serious illness. I have had that illusion shattered for me in the last few weeks.

First my very good friend was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I am very sad about it, but I know that we will beat it as a team (her whole huge support group). Her diagnoses has caused me to re-evaluate my fairytale idea that my family is immune to any kind of sickness.

The thing that has really rocked me is losing someone that I once spent a good amount of time with. My friend Charla passed away this last Wednesday/Thursday. We were friends and she was one of the most accepting and wonderful people I have met. She had many long term health problems so I guess we all knew that it was possible that she could leave us at any moment, but I don't think anyone was really expecting it. I know she just seemed to me like the cat with more than nine lives. She would have problems, but she just kept kicking. B/c I didn't really expect her to go any time soon, I was really bad about putting off going to see her for a visit. Weeks turned into months, turned into over a year. I would feel in my heart that I should go see her, but I never stopped and took the time. It's like God would whisper to me, "Hey you should go see Charla." I would think yeah, I need to go see her, but somehow something else always came up. I would run into her and she always had a huge hug for me and, more times than not, she would be so happy to see me that she would start to cry. Over the years, as she got sicker, I found it harder to go see her. It was so difficult to see someone so sweet and talented and amazing be trapped inside such a broken body. I just always thought, I'll go tomorrow. I know that she did not hold it against me and still considered me one of her closest friends. When I first got the news, I felt so guilty for not having gone to see her more; she had been somewhat home bound for a good while. I sort of felt like that I had let her and God down b/c I hadn't spent more time with her. I have since realized that it's not that she needed me to come see her and it is not that I need to feel guilty for not being a "good Christian" and spending time with my friend who "needed" me to come see her. The truth is that I missed out on being able to have the gift of Charla in my life that last year or so. God wasn't wanting me to go bless Charla, He was wanting me to be blessed by her. I have learned a very hard lesson this week. We have to stop being so busy that we don't love the people in our lives and allow them to love us. Most of what keeps up busy is stupid and meaningless. The people are whats important. I read a book one time that talked about people being the "treasure" we store up in heaven. When we invest our time and money into people we are putting our priorities in the correct order.

I have been really quite sad over losing Charla. I am very sad that I did not take better advantage of the time I did have to spend with her. I feel like I can learn and take away a lesson, though, which makes it a little easier to bare the loss. I have to weigh my priorities very carefully. People must always hold the highest weight. The dishes will always be there; the house will always need to be cleaned. Running is fun, but I am not sure that I will look back with fondness over running 12 or 13 miles on my treadmill. I will look fondly back at all the people I have had the opportunity to know, love and be loved by. I find myself praying these days that God will help me be a better friend and to love people better. I want to be engaged in the lives around me and be always on the lookout for someone new to love and impact.

Birthday blessing

This morning, as I woke up and ran, I pondered what a birthday means. Today was the day God chose to bring me into this world. He ordained the exact moment that I would take my first breath and He has ordained the moment I will take my last breath. He ordained who my parents would be. He looked from eternity and saw every agonizing abusive moment that I would endure and He rejoiced in it. He rejoiced b/c He also saw today and tomorrow and the rest of my days. He was not limited to seeing only the present or past. He knew what I would endure and who it would make me and how He use it to help so many people. I don't know how many people I have helped at this point in my life, but He has promised me that the day will come when my story is told in such a way over and over that people will find life, freedom, hope and trust in Him. I am not trying to make myself seem important or seem like I have some great "calling". What I am saying is that I am at peace with all that my life has been b/c I know He is my redeemer and He set a plan in motion before breath ever entered into me to bring me to a place where I could write His story in my life and be able to tell people my story. I am a bringer of the light, a carrier of hope. I am evidence and can testify that no matter how bad the beginning is, the end can be so beyond our comprehension. My name, Dawn, is a name He gave me. It is a name that He chose for me b/c it is who I am. He uses me to bring first light into darkness. He uses me to plow and pioneer a way for others. B/c my darkness was so dark, His light in me is so bright. I can rejoice in every part of my life b/c He has given it purpose and beauty. He has turned my mourning into dancing, and given me beauty for ashes; I can say, without hesitation, with every fiber of my being and with total sincerity and authenticity, "I would do it all again. I would change nothing (not one thing)." I am who I am today b/c of the path I have walked; the pain is part of that. Because things were so tough when I was young, I am resilient. I am like a cork in the water. You cannot keep me down. I will always float to the top. Knock me down and I will stand right back up. (I Pray that I will stand back up prepared to hug, bless and forgive.) I feel like so much of my life I have been treading water with 100 pounds weights on each leg. The weights are gone now, but I have gotten strong from carrying them. Now I can swim out and rescue (with God's help) those who are drowning. The strength gained from carrying all that weight for so long makes me able to carry others who cannot walk for themselves, yet.

This morning my devotion was really all about this concept. The scripture was

Romans 5:3-5
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulation, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and and character hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

I would have to say my life has been characterized by a great deal of tribulation. I would not be exaggerating to say that there are children and people who have not been able to survive some of the things that I have endured in my life. I can glory and rejoice in that tribulation b/c it developed in me perseverance. I am not one to give up. When I know that somethings needs to be done or God is telling me to do something, I will not give up; I will not let go. There is a strength and passion inside of me that will not be put under. Now, I cannot depend on that strength. I need God, but He has worked a tenacity in me that is fierce. That is a gift born out of the tribulation of my childhood and early adulthood. There is also a hope inside of me that nothing can put out. I hope and pray that my hope pours out onto people and touches them, impacts them, and infects them with hope. The tribulation also worked in me a fierce passion for life. I delight and rejoice in every day I am given. Life, for me is full of zest, adventure and excitement. I know that I, by all rights, should be dead many times over, so how could I waste a day I am given. Not that I feel forced to do anything b/c I missed out. I am just so grateful for each day I am given and I greet the day with eager anticipation. I am not sure that I would see life as so full of beauty and zest if I had not walked in the valley of death and sorrow for so long.

Today I rejoice that I was chosen to walk this path; I rejoice that God entrusted to me this story and calls me to share about His goodness, grace, and redemption. I rejoice that He redeemed my life from the pit (and is was a pit, maybe more like a sewer). I am grateful that my mother brought me into this world; I am grateful that she raised us the best she knew how; I am grateful that she prayed for me to know Jesus; I am grateful that she has helped me and impacted me more than I may ever really know. I am grateful that God has healed and restored our relationship so we can love each other. I am so grateful that my mother lives with us and that I get to see her every single day and that my children get to be so close to their grandmother (in a country where it is more common for there to be great distances between children, parents and grandchildren).

God has been so good to me. "If all the trees were pens and all the oceans ink, I could not write out all the ways He has been good to me ." (borrowed from the band Me Without You).

A short addition to Love Story- missing details

I forgot to add a couple of important details the the end of the story.

Alexandra immediately became a different little girl when Larry and I got back together. It was like the dark clouds in her eyes went away and a light clicked on inside of her. The sadness and sullenness seemed to disappear and the bubbly little butterfly emerged again. It just proves that in her heart, young as it was, she knew something wasn't right; she new Larry was her daddy and it devastated her to lose him. When he came back into her life, it brought peace to her broken little heart. They are close. He has never been considered a step dad and our family had never been thought of a blended. That is God's amazing grace and goodness. Never have the words, "You're not my dad," come from her mouth, as is common in other step parent situations. That is b/c as far as Larry, Ally, and all of us are concerned, he is her dad. She was about 11 or 12 when it hit her that Stephen was actually her half brother. The thought had never occurred to her. Then the thought was dismissed just as quickly. It really just isn't an issue in our house. The years Larry and Ally lost don't even seem to exist. As a matter of fact, they don't really exist for any of us. It was like we just picked right back up where we were only better. None of us can even remember what it was like before we were a whole family.

The second detail is that one day while Larry and I were having lunch at Wendy's, either right after we got married or right before (I can't put my finger on the exact timing), one of the people who was in leadership at the church where our breakup occurred was also having lunch. He walked right up to our table and apologized for what happened to us. He stated that what had occurred had been wrong and asked us to forgive him for his part in it. We were floored. We did forgive him; I have forgiven everyone involved. How could I not, God used it to do such a beautiful thing in our lives and relationship. To this day, he is the only one who has admitted wrong and asked for our forgiveness. It really meant a lot to us and we, in turn had a lot of respect for him b/c of it. Many people rejoiced in our reunion and offered so much support and I think even felt healing and relief being able to see what God was able to do. I hope it encouraged faith and trust in God and His goodness for all who got to see the whole thing play out beginning to end.

Love story-- part 3

We are headed into the home stretch. I got very involved in the church we moved to De Soto for. I was still with this other guy. I was very active in ministry and I worked for the church. It was kind of a weird situation. I was never really good enough in this church and never really good enough for this guy. The time came when the leadership broke us up. Yes, this actually happened to me twice. I was still very much indoctrinated into submitting to church leadership. Needless to say, it was really devastating to me to be once again told that the person I had been investing my life into and planning a future with was again, not the one for me. This time a did not feel like the leadership was coming from a place of love for me. I really was made to feel like I was not good enough for this person to be with me. Now as painful as this was, it was actually really good for me. I came out of the first church with a pretty big ego. I was important b/c of my testimony. I was a little trophy. I needed to be humbled and be brought down a couple notches. I had been used to being important. I definitely had some of the wind knocked out of my sails. I remember being asked by a leader about loving Larry. "no way,"I said.

Enter the great wonderful providence of God. Enter His amazing ability to redeem and give us exactly what we need.

Since moving to De Soto, I had not seen Larry. My mom would takes Stephen and meet him halfway between De Soto and Farmersville.

After the second breakup I had really begun to seek God and ask him to bring balance into my life and show me more of Himself. I was asking Him to bring me out of "church" and into relationship.

One day I as putting baby Stephen (about 2 and a half) down for a nap and he said to me, "I want my daddy."

I said, "You'll see daddy this weekend."

He said, "No, I want my mommy and my daddy in the same house."

Seriously, God spoke to me out of the mouth of my 2 year old. At that moment, the light bulb went off inside me. It was like bells began to ring and a current lifted. I thought, "What in the world am I doing." Here is this amazing man, amazing father, who adores both of my children, and loves me. I am crazy not to be with him, but will he ever take me back? But I did start really praying about it and asking God to show me what He was saying about it.

At this point my brother and I went to see The Matrix. That movie changed my life and forever altered my reality. Now, you must understand, at the time I did not watch any rated R movies and refused to listen to secular music. It took some persuading for him to get me into the movie.

We watched it and God showed me so many things. I filled almost a whole journal with revelation God gave me through that movie. He showed me so much about how we just accept what we see and believe without ever questioning it. We don't try to see what is going on that we cannot see. He showed me that we don't have to be limited by the world or its rules or opinions if we can see it for what it is. If we can see the Matrix and how God is not defined by it, we can break the rules of the matrix and experience what He really has for us.

After that movie, I spoke to my brother about what I was beginning to feel God was saying to me. He wholeheartedly agreed. He had always been a cheerleader for Larry. He used to say, "he is the one for you, what is wrong with you. This other guy is not the one for you. That church was wrong." I didn't listen; I thought my brother was wrong. He definitely thought God was speaking to me. The next person I talked to was my mother. The first thing I wanted to do was allow Alexandra to go visit with Larry and his family. It seemed like it could do nothing, benefit her to have a whole other group of people that love her. My mom agreed that it would be a good thing. I talked to her also about what I felt like God was telling me about being with Larry. She said, "He has no reason to trust you again after you broke his heart twice, so if he is willing to take you back, I will know it is God doing this thing." I asked Larry to have lunch with me so I could talk to him about letting Alexandra come an visit when Stephen came. We met and both were so nervous, that neither of us ate much of anything. We agreed that would be a good thing. I did not mention the other thought I was having. While we ate, he made me laugh so much. He always made me laugh. I am not much of a laugher now, but I really wasn't back then. I always loved that he could make me laugh. I always felt like I could be myself with him and the same is still true. I remember thinking, wow, I am still in love with this man. It just felt so right sitting in Wendy's looking at him. It was as if the years we were apart had never even happened. I knew right then, that we were meant to be together and I think he knew too; neither of us said anything about it though.

I went home and began typing a letter to him about all the things I had done wrong to him, all that God had showed me and all the things he had said about the church that had turned out to be accurate. It was 7 pages singles spaced. (not hard to believe if you follow my blog, huh?) I was a freaking book.

Now during the time we were apart Larry had started drinking, and doing lots of bad stuff. He turned from God and would stand and curse God. He would dare Him to strike him down. He would yell, "I hate you and F you." At least he was honest with God. God can work with honest. Denial kind of makes it hard for him to work b/c we aren't open. Before he got bitter, though, He had listed off the things God would have to change in me if he would ever take me back. He had decided to be single b/c of what God had told him about falling in love. He said it he couldn't be with me, he would be with no one b/c he had fallen in love once.

Well, wouldn't you know I gave Larry my letter (book) and as he read it everything on his list was there. He said when I handed him the letter it made him sick to his stomach b/c he couldn't imagine what it said. We talked on the phone a couple days later and within a week were back together.

Here is where is gets really good. So this church I was attending and working at laid down an ultimatum on me. They would not allow me to be with him until they did counseling with us and they would not counsel us until he started attending the church regularly. Guess what did? I quit my job and left the church never to return. God set it up so that we were placed in the exact same scenario and I was faced with the exact same choice. Only this time I chose the man I loved. It was exactly what Larry needed to see me do so He could begin to trust me and begin to heal. I chose him over the church.

What I needed was different. I had never felt valued or loved really especially by a guy. Larry has had one girlfriend in his life. That would be me. What I needed was to realize that he loved me enough that, without knowing what he was doing, he waited for me. He loved me enough that he would choose to be single for the rest of his life, if he couldn't have me. I am the one for him and he waited 3 years for me even while he watched me carry a relationship with another person.

We started building a life together and planning a wedding. We started looking for rings almost immediately. I found one I love. I knew we didn't really have any money so I had no idea when or how he would get it. One of the things I always hated about "knowing" you were supposed to get married and not dating was losing the element of surprise of the proposal. I really wanted that great surprise proposal. God even gave me that. I had no idea he had gotten the ring and was not expecting a proposal. We were at a picnic after church and he got down on one knee and asked me in the middle of it. I started jumping up and down. My mom and brother, sitting right there with us, missed it. Funny. That was May 13. We were married on September 2, 1999. It was such a beautiful simple ceremony at Haggard park in down town Plano. It was so beautiful b/c many of the people who had been around when the break up happened and were confused by it got to see God bring us back together and witness the wedding. Plus God confirmed it so beautifully in that a homeless man wondering the park during the wedding asked Jesus into his heart during the reception.

That other relationship taught me to really appreciate Larry. The other one always tried to change me; he criticized everything I did; he wanted me to be something I was not.

Larry has always loved me, no matter what. He has never tried to change me. He has prayed for me when I need it, as was the case with my alcoholism. He loves me with long hair, short hair, red hair, black hair, purple hair; he loves me fat or skinny; he loves me when I am mean, and cranky; he loves me when I am driven and not home; whether the house is clean or dirty, whether I cook dinner or don't; He is just glad to be with me and glad that I love him too.

We have learned, grown, and been healed together. We have struggled and suffered together. We have had more than enough together and barely enough together. He is my home. He is where I can relax and laugh and be safe. He brings out the best in me and challenges me to be better.

The story that I think really illustrates our relationship is Abraham and Isaac. During the initial loss, I remember telling God that I was willing to sacrifice the relationship and the love we have upon the alter b/c I knew He was able to resurrect it. I placed the promise upon the alter to sacrifice it in worship. I had not idea that He would actually resurrect not just the dream of being married but the very relationship I was willing to lay down. He is good.

Needless to say, in our relationship we don't really fight about much. When you have loved one another like we did, lost one another and then been given back to each other, what is really worth fighting about. There is really not any agreement that is worth being mad at each other. We both remember what it was like being apart. Divorce is not really something we would ever consider. We are meant to be together, death due us part. When God goes through that much trouble to bring you together, you gotta know it is forever. I am not saying that we never have troubles. We have had some dark seasons in our marriage, but we always know it will work out b/c we both know beyond a shadow of doubt there is no plan B. It is you and me babe forever. I can also say that what we have is a direct result of what we walked through. We have been given a gift that most people don't get. We have a different perspective and a fierce devotion and passion for one another. It's like coming back from a near death experience. Life looks different from that perspective. It changes what you do, how you live and what is important. That is a gift from God.

Was it right or wrong what was done to us? That question is really irrelevant. Do we have something stable and beautiful b/c of it? Yes. Would I do it again? You bet I would, without hesitation. To have my fairy tale ending. To know the kind of love people make movies about, WITHOUT HESITATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a story that gives us roots, deep roots.

I love Larry Keith Hall and will spend the rest of my life loving, living and growing with him. He was perfectly created and perfectly prepared to be my better half. I could not ask for a better, more amazing, loyal, gracious, devoted, extraordinary individual to spend the rest of my life with. He loves me just because. He is my best friend. I have more fun with him than any other person on this earth and there is no one I would rather spend time with. I used to think he was really lucky to have someone like me (wow, that is so ugly and awful to admit). Then God showed me I was the lucky one. I am the one who is getting the better end of the stick. Larry is so gracious to love me. I better appreciate him too, b/c truth be known no one else could put up with me. No one else could ever love me like he does.

Love story-- Part 2

We both were dealing with the loss in our own ways and trying to move on with our lives. One of the first amazing thing God used this situation to do in my life was to utterly break my will. When you read about how much I trust God and how definitely I surrender my will to Him. This is where that work was done in my life. Here in the valley of despair my will was truly broken. After walking away from the love of my life, and choosing to place him of God's alter of sacrifice, everything else seems easy. Giving my will over to God is not a struggle for me. I don't say that to be proud, religious, or to seem spiritual. It is just the truth. This is the place in my life, where the self will was broken. Whether or not I was supposed to give him up, really is totally irrelevant in the light of the beautiful brokenness God worked in my through this. I felt like, once I walked through giving Larry up, there was nothing God could ask of me that I could not handle.

My heart was so confused, but I sought comfort in Jesus and He used the situation to speak, heal, and change me. A scripture I have actually written about in the last few weeks, was used against me in this situation. I was told by a leader, when I asked about how to reconcile what my heart felt to what "God was telling me (more like leadership was telling me)", that "the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things." That scripture was totally used out of context. And, as I have stated, I believe that if Jesus lives in our hearts, they are not wicked. If Jesus is Lord of the heart, He places good in it and orders its drives and desires. B/c of this I learned not to trust my heart; I became even more dependent on this church and wanted them to make all my decisions for me. B/c I couldn't trust my heart, I was afraid of making mistakes.

During this time period God also showed me that the way that I loved Larry and the passionate desire I had for him to be blessed should be the way I loved other people and desired for them to be blessed. That was one of the smaller lessons.

About six months later, I was in a strange kind of place and beginning to question a lot of things. I was questioning serving God, but looking back, what I was questioning was serving Him the way that church did. There were so many rules, spoken and unspoken. Favor was based upon obedience and service to the church. It had its own strange kind of legalism even though it was "charismatic". I was growing weary of it and maybe outgrowing it. I was asking if serving God was less about judgments and boxes, and more about the heart. I went back to Larry.

I have to interject something I forgot to tell about the beginning. I had this weird idea that I wanted our first kiss to be on our wedding day. Well, we didn't end up making that happen, but we really did not kiss each other until we had been dating and talking about marriage for like almost 4 months. We held hands. No making out. At the time we broke up, we had not had a sexual relationship at all. I remember a funny story that happened. We were in the car at 7 11, the one that used to be on Park and Jupiter; his niece was in the car with me and he brought me out a flower. At the time we had not kissed weren't intending to. I got out of the car and did a cartwheel to show appreciation since we didn't kiss. Funny.

So, I went back to him. I had never stopped loving him. We did take the step, almost immediately, (later the first day I went to see him) to have a physical relationship. I am sorry for the details, but they are important. I think, deep in my conscience, I thought if I could get pregnant that they would have to let us get married. Well, we did get pregnant. Yes, we got pregnant the first time we had relations; pretty funny. I knew that night I got pregnant. I could count my cycle; it was like a clock. I could feel when I ovulated (my back would hurt). Now, to my knowledge, I did not count it before and plan it consciously, but it is possible I did subconsciously. I did count after wards and I knew. That was a Tuesday; we saw each other on Wednesday; we did not see each other on Thursday. On Friday, I broke up with him again,leaving him quite devastated.

I went to the leadership and admitted to them what I had done. They all kept to the same stance, that even if I was pregnant, God still did not want me to marry this man. They all prayed that I was not. Sometime over the next couple weeks, I had to get up in front of the church and admit what I had done. I was so ashamed.

Things got really weird at this point. There was a differing opinion about how I should handle it. The things I was told, were very wrong for the most part. It may not be pretty, but I have to tell this story as it happened. I am telling the truth and cannot hide what happened. I was counseled not to tell Larry that I was pregnant so that I could give the baby up for adoption. I could not even comprehend giving the baby away. Ally had been such an amazing blessing in my life that I really wanted to have another. My heart said no way. Though, it would be difficult to be a single mom of two and increase the stigma already on me, I intended to rejoice in having another baby. Thankfully, a very wise leader in the church counseled me very strongly that if I did not tell Larry I was pregnant, I would be defrauding a brother. I do not think the other leadership was pleased with this council. So I went and left a note on Larry's car. Still another leader cornered me in the hall one day and kept pushing for me to put the baby up for adoption. When I replied that Larry would never agree to that, the person actually told me to go away somewhere for a few months, tell him the baby died and give it up. Yes, a Christian leader told me this. Well as you can imagine this really added to me confusion and what I was supposed to do. I was still a pretty young Christian. On the one hand I was taught not to lie, then on the other hand I was being told to lie about this baby.

Here is where I really learned about Gods grace. I say Stephen is my baby of grace and this is why. I was literally terrified the whole time I was pregnant that I was going to lose the baby. It was a terror that gripped my heart every single day. I wanted the baby so bad and I just knew in my heart that God was going to kill the baby to judge me for me sin. I thought that He let me get pregnant so He could take the baby to punish me for sleeping with Larry out of wedlock and for not being willing to give him up for adoption. So every time I went to the bathroom, I expected to see blood. I knew it was going to happen; I was just waiting for it. I have to believe that Stephen had to have felt that turmoil and fear while he was growing. I don't think it was a great environment for him to develop in, but he turned out okay. Till the day I gave birth to him, I was afraid of him dying. I didn't believe I would really get him until he was in my arms. After he was born God spoke to me about His grace. Yes, I had made a sinful choice, but God blessed me with the beautiful precious baby boy in spite of it.

Understandably, Larry was not sure that the baby was his. It just seemed to strange that I would come back to him for 2 days and that we would get pregnant our first time. It really hurt my feelings when he insinuated it too. Though, now it is a perfectly reasonable doubt to have. Since meeting Jesus, Larry is the only one in 17 years. So I knew that the baby could be no one else's but his. When Stephen came out, there was not doubt; he is the spitting image of Larry as a baby and child.

I saw Larry one time from the time of conceiving Stephen to his birth. That was early on to play a recording of Stephen's heart beat. Well, I have always had a thing for a man with long hair and for musicians. When Larry showed up at the hospital for Stephen's birth, he had hair to the middle of his back and I just about fainted. I was seriously attracted to this man that was forbidden and he had began playing guitar. Now, if you asked him he hated me, thought I was evil and was not, under any circumstances, waiting for me. He was, though, becoming what I was attracted to in a man.

Larry was model father. He always came for visitation. He paid for Stephen's circumcision. He paid child support. He even bought me a breast pump so he could take him back to Farmersville to visit for the day. I didn't want him to drink formula. When Stephen got older and I needed Larry to take him extra weekends for something, he would.

I started dating someone else. I had gone through the same process of praying and seeking the approval of the leadership (that is another story all together). Larry would come to see Stephen on Wednesdays or to pick him up for the weekend and have to see this person and watch us together. It used to really make him angry the way this person treated Alexandra, b/c he wasn't very nice to her. Like I said before, Larry has always adored her.

Fast forward, through some unimportant events. The church I got saved in closes.