Racism and Elitism is Alive and well

I have become keenly aware that the sickness of racism is alive and well in the world. It really looks more like elitism, but it is just as ugly. Some of the most horrible atrocities and genocides of the world can be traced back to Elitism. The definition of the Elite may differ, but it can be traced through out history. Some might trace it clear back to Israel taking over the promised land. I cannot explain or justify that one, but God doesn't need me to defend Him or justify Him. After Christ, though, there is not excuse for the Elitism. The Elite hung Jesus on the Cross. I am grateful for that day in history. The truth is that He allowed them to put Him on the cross. Speaking of history, a good friend once pointed out to me the history is His Story. That has always stuck to me; He has been telling us a story.

Back to the roots of Elitism. The Holocaust was about the Elite; Rwanda was about the Elite; Serbia was about the Elite; The Religious wars were about the Elite;

We must wipe Elitism off of the face of the planet. We have to stop thinking that any one of us is better than the other. Nothing we have, can do or believe makes us any better than any one else. Jesus told us the law could be summed up in these two commands, "Love the Lord you God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and love your neighbor as yourself." He did not say love love your neighbor if he is a Christian; He did not, as a matter of fact say if he is Baptist, Catholic, Lutheran, Non Denominational. He did not say love your neighbor if his skin is the same color as yours, if he makes the same amount of money as you; He did not say if he has as much stuff as you, if he dresses like you, if his children behave like you think they should. He did not say if your neighbor has tattoos like you do or if he has no tattoos like you do; He did not, to take it further, say if your neighbor treats you well; He did not say if your neighbor speaks the same language as you, has the same morals as you, or is an American Citizen (ouch!!!!). Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." It doesn't matter if the neighbor accepts the Gospel or rejects it; it doesn't matter if the neighbor is a stripper, prostitute, drug addict, thief, homeless person, Muslim, Leper, someone with a differing lifestyle choice or a Religious pharisee (that is the one I have trouble with, I can love a stinky homeless person or a prostitute faster than I can someone who is really religious and judgmental. I have to work to love them when I see it rearits ugly head. I think I would I would rather go live in a dump in Guatemala than have to interact daily with "the religious elite". God will not allow me, though, to write those types off. He won't allow me to hate them. He convicts me that, judging them and wishing ill of them is just as ugly as them misunderstanding me and thinking ill of me--double ouch!!!) We have to start loving our neighbors. Until we reach the place where more of us love our neighbors (especially the ones of us who know the Gospel) the world is hopeless and will never change. The people we interact with daily and live around are the very people God has placed in our lives. They are our neighbors. Love is the key to the whole thing. It is the key to the Kingdom; it is the key to life. LOVE IS THE WHOLE POINT. We are all missing it. O Lord, please fill me with Your love. Let the motivation of everything I do be love. Let the plumb line I measure everything be love. Let me love You so much that it overflows on every person that comes any where near me. Let me come to the place where love would flow out of me like a mighty river. What if could come to place that we stop worrying about ourselves, our rights, what we want; what if we could worry about loving and providing for the needs of others and let God take care of defending our rights, providing our needs and helping us want less stuff? "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." "Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus who being in the form of God....made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bond servant...."If we could start loving and being servants with no regard to our selves or what others think the world and the people of the world would be dramatically changed. God is able to take care of whether we get taken advantage of or not. Radical idea, yeah, revolutionary, that is what the Gospel is all about. "The Kingdom of God is at hand." It was so radical that Jesus and most of His followers were put to death over it. The "safe"Gospel we preach and follow is not the Kingdom. The Gospel we know is impudent and powerless in the face of "the Kingdom". I am not saying we don't know God and that many of us have had our lives transformed, but I am saying when we start really living the Kingdom the world will be impacted like we have never seen.

That was a rabbit trail, but vitally related. I have heard it said that, "what we believe about a situation, directly impacts what we do about it." If we don't believe that children are really starving all over the world, we don't have to do anything about it. If we believe that the situation in Africa is a result of civil war or immoral behavior, and therefore deserved, we don't have to do anything about it. If the Ghettos are results of lifestyle choices then it is okay to keep living outlandish lifestyles and never attempting to share resources to make the Ghettos better. Elitism. We have worked hard to earn what we have.

BULL SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the language, but I think it was necessary. We have what we have b/c God gave it to us. He allowed us to be born here, to go to school, to be able to work hard; He gave us our houses, our jobs, everything we have He gave us. Why did He give us what we have? Have you ever stopped to ask God why He gave you what He gave you? Oh, what a horrible realization it will be when we get to Eternity and see the impact we could have had with our resources. I am reading a book that states that we could wipe out poverty with one generation if we only had the will. Compassion international asks the question, "What is the opposite of poverty?" The answer most people gave was "Rich." They pose the idea that the opposite of poverty is enough. What if we could all have just enough? What if I could let go of what was more than enough to give enough to others? Do we ever really think we have enough? When we get to where we thought would be enough, we want more.

What really spawned this post was some of the things that I have heard lately in regards to our neighborhood and school. First I must admit, that I was one of the ones I am talking about a few years ago. I did not see it until God showed me. So I cannot blame those who are blind to the truth and who believe this way, b/c if we can't see something we can't see it. We don't see until we see. I am sure that there are still many layers of elitism I need to deal with; I do the only thing I know to do; I cry out to the Author and Finisher of my faith and ask Him to show me and change me, but in the mean time I also must speak to truth and do what i can to push back the darkness. I have to challenge ignorance, blindness and injustice. I choose to look the Darkness in the face and say I will not let your voice be louder than my voice any longer. At some point in History a generation has to rise up and say, with hearts full of love, "no more." I will be one, if He would send me. Lord, let it be our generation. Seeing color has not really been an issue for me for a very long time. If I could have the choice, all of my children would marry a different race so I could have grand children who are all different colors. I have been elitist about economic status and some of the complications of living in a lower income area. I have to say that I have fallen in love with this neighborhood and school. I don't want to move anymore.

I love that my children go to a school that is only 29% white. Compared the next closest school that is 75% white. 46% of our school is economically disadvantage, compared to 8% of this neighboring school; In spite of the fact that a large portion of our students come from non English speaking home, our school has received an Exemplary Rating and an 8 from the great school rating. Our teachers work really hard to help children have an leg up and a chance to succeed at life. I love that my children go to a "real life school". I don't want them to grow up in a mainly upper middle class white environment. They know how to love and get along with children who are different colors, different cultures, and have different economic experiences. They don't see color; I don't think they even see money or lack of money. It makes me so sad when I hear people talk about our neighborhood going to pot. It just shows me the Elitism in their hearts and causes me to pray for them. How sad it is that so many children in our neighborhood are transferred to the "other" school. They are not getting a realistic life experience and they are not being equipped with the ability to get along with and learn from many different life experiences. This beautiful community and school is my ministry and calling. I love that God put me here and is now allowing our family to stay here. I love that I get to impact these children and love them. I love that He is allowing me to call out of them the creativity and artistic natures within them through CREATE (my after school program). What an amazing privilege to be able to give to some of the economically disadvantaged the opportunity to have artistic influence that their parents cannot afford to give them. As a matter of fact, I think we might be considered economically disadvantaged. It doesn't seem like it to me, b/c God always takes care of our needs, but in the scheme of things we fall into that category as well.

This is just a small glimpse of how racism and elitism is alive and well in the world today. Oh, that we could love one another, regardless.

A short addition to Love Story- missing details

I forgot to add a couple of important details the the end of the story.

Alexandra immediately became a different little girl when Larry and I got back together. It was like the dark clouds in her eyes went away and a light clicked on inside of her. The sadness and sullenness seemed to disappear and the bubbly little butterfly emerged again. It just proves that in her heart, young as it was, she knew something wasn't right; she new Larry was her daddy and it devastated her to lose him. When he came back into her life, it brought peace to her broken little heart. They are close. He has never been considered a step dad and our family had never been thought of a blended. That is God's amazing grace and goodness. Never have the words, "You're not my dad," come from her mouth, as is common in other step parent situations. That is b/c as far as Larry, Ally, and all of us are concerned, he is her dad. She was about 11 or 12 when it hit her that Stephen was actually her half brother. The thought had never occurred to her. Then the thought was dismissed just as quickly. It really just isn't an issue in our house. The years Larry and Ally lost don't even seem to exist. As a matter of fact, they don't really exist for any of us. It was like we just picked right back up where we were only better. None of us can even remember what it was like before we were a whole family.

The second detail is that one day while Larry and I were having lunch at Wendy's, either right after we got married or right before (I can't put my finger on the exact timing), one of the people who was in leadership at the church where our breakup occurred was also having lunch. He walked right up to our table and apologized for what happened to us. He stated that what had occurred had been wrong and asked us to forgive him for his part in it. We were floored. We did forgive him; I have forgiven everyone involved. How could I not, God used it to do such a beautiful thing in our lives and relationship. To this day, he is the only one who has admitted wrong and asked for our forgiveness. It really meant a lot to us and we, in turn had a lot of respect for him b/c of it. Many people rejoiced in our reunion and offered so much support and I think even felt healing and relief being able to see what God was able to do. I hope it encouraged faith and trust in God and His goodness for all who got to see the whole thing play out beginning to end.

Love story-- part 3

We are headed into the home stretch. I got very involved in the church we moved to De Soto for. I was still with this other guy. I was very active in ministry and I worked for the church. It was kind of a weird situation. I was never really good enough in this church and never really good enough for this guy. The time came when the leadership broke us up. Yes, this actually happened to me twice. I was still very much indoctrinated into submitting to church leadership. Needless to say, it was really devastating to me to be once again told that the person I had been investing my life into and planning a future with was again, not the one for me. This time a did not feel like the leadership was coming from a place of love for me. I really was made to feel like I was not good enough for this person to be with me. Now as painful as this was, it was actually really good for me. I came out of the first church with a pretty big ego. I was important b/c of my testimony. I was a little trophy. I needed to be humbled and be brought down a couple notches. I had been used to being important. I definitely had some of the wind knocked out of my sails. I remember being asked by a leader about loving Larry. "no way,"I said.

Enter the great wonderful providence of God. Enter His amazing ability to redeem and give us exactly what we need.

Since moving to De Soto, I had not seen Larry. My mom would takes Stephen and meet him halfway between De Soto and Farmersville.

After the second breakup I had really begun to seek God and ask him to bring balance into my life and show me more of Himself. I was asking Him to bring me out of "church" and into relationship.

One day I as putting baby Stephen (about 2 and a half) down for a nap and he said to me, "I want my daddy."

I said, "You'll see daddy this weekend."

He said, "No, I want my mommy and my daddy in the same house."

Seriously, God spoke to me out of the mouth of my 2 year old. At that moment, the light bulb went off inside me. It was like bells began to ring and a current lifted. I thought, "What in the world am I doing." Here is this amazing man, amazing father, who adores both of my children, and loves me. I am crazy not to be with him, but will he ever take me back? But I did start really praying about it and asking God to show me what He was saying about it.

At this point my brother and I went to see The Matrix. That movie changed my life and forever altered my reality. Now, you must understand, at the time I did not watch any rated R movies and refused to listen to secular music. It took some persuading for him to get me into the movie.

We watched it and God showed me so many things. I filled almost a whole journal with revelation God gave me through that movie. He showed me so much about how we just accept what we see and believe without ever questioning it. We don't try to see what is going on that we cannot see. He showed me that we don't have to be limited by the world or its rules or opinions if we can see it for what it is. If we can see the Matrix and how God is not defined by it, we can break the rules of the matrix and experience what He really has for us.

After that movie, I spoke to my brother about what I was beginning to feel God was saying to me. He wholeheartedly agreed. He had always been a cheerleader for Larry. He used to say, "he is the one for you, what is wrong with you. This other guy is not the one for you. That church was wrong." I didn't listen; I thought my brother was wrong. He definitely thought God was speaking to me. The next person I talked to was my mother. The first thing I wanted to do was allow Alexandra to go visit with Larry and his family. It seemed like it could do nothing, benefit her to have a whole other group of people that love her. My mom agreed that it would be a good thing. I talked to her also about what I felt like God was telling me about being with Larry. She said, "He has no reason to trust you again after you broke his heart twice, so if he is willing to take you back, I will know it is God doing this thing." I asked Larry to have lunch with me so I could talk to him about letting Alexandra come an visit when Stephen came. We met and both were so nervous, that neither of us ate much of anything. We agreed that would be a good thing. I did not mention the other thought I was having. While we ate, he made me laugh so much. He always made me laugh. I am not much of a laugher now, but I really wasn't back then. I always loved that he could make me laugh. I always felt like I could be myself with him and the same is still true. I remember thinking, wow, I am still in love with this man. It just felt so right sitting in Wendy's looking at him. It was as if the years we were apart had never even happened. I knew right then, that we were meant to be together and I think he knew too; neither of us said anything about it though.

I went home and began typing a letter to him about all the things I had done wrong to him, all that God had showed me and all the things he had said about the church that had turned out to be accurate. It was 7 pages singles spaced. (not hard to believe if you follow my blog, huh?) I was a freaking book.

Now during the time we were apart Larry had started drinking, and doing lots of bad stuff. He turned from God and would stand and curse God. He would dare Him to strike him down. He would yell, "I hate you and F you." At least he was honest with God. God can work with honest. Denial kind of makes it hard for him to work b/c we aren't open. Before he got bitter, though, He had listed off the things God would have to change in me if he would ever take me back. He had decided to be single b/c of what God had told him about falling in love. He said it he couldn't be with me, he would be with no one b/c he had fallen in love once.

Well, wouldn't you know I gave Larry my letter (book) and as he read it everything on his list was there. He said when I handed him the letter it made him sick to his stomach b/c he couldn't imagine what it said. We talked on the phone a couple days later and within a week were back together.

Here is where is gets really good. So this church I was attending and working at laid down an ultimatum on me. They would not allow me to be with him until they did counseling with us and they would not counsel us until he started attending the church regularly. Guess what did? I quit my job and left the church never to return. God set it up so that we were placed in the exact same scenario and I was faced with the exact same choice. Only this time I chose the man I loved. It was exactly what Larry needed to see me do so He could begin to trust me and begin to heal. I chose him over the church.

What I needed was different. I had never felt valued or loved really especially by a guy. Larry has had one girlfriend in his life. That would be me. What I needed was to realize that he loved me enough that, without knowing what he was doing, he waited for me. He loved me enough that he would choose to be single for the rest of his life, if he couldn't have me. I am the one for him and he waited 3 years for me even while he watched me carry a relationship with another person.

We started building a life together and planning a wedding. We started looking for rings almost immediately. I found one I love. I knew we didn't really have any money so I had no idea when or how he would get it. One of the things I always hated about "knowing" you were supposed to get married and not dating was losing the element of surprise of the proposal. I really wanted that great surprise proposal. God even gave me that. I had no idea he had gotten the ring and was not expecting a proposal. We were at a picnic after church and he got down on one knee and asked me in the middle of it. I started jumping up and down. My mom and brother, sitting right there with us, missed it. Funny. That was May 13. We were married on September 2, 1999. It was such a beautiful simple ceremony at Haggard park in down town Plano. It was so beautiful b/c many of the people who had been around when the break up happened and were confused by it got to see God bring us back together and witness the wedding. Plus God confirmed it so beautifully in that a homeless man wondering the park during the wedding asked Jesus into his heart during the reception.

That other relationship taught me to really appreciate Larry. The other one always tried to change me; he criticized everything I did; he wanted me to be something I was not.

Larry has always loved me, no matter what. He has never tried to change me. He has prayed for me when I need it, as was the case with my alcoholism. He loves me with long hair, short hair, red hair, black hair, purple hair; he loves me fat or skinny; he loves me when I am mean, and cranky; he loves me when I am driven and not home; whether the house is clean or dirty, whether I cook dinner or don't; He is just glad to be with me and glad that I love him too.

We have learned, grown, and been healed together. We have struggled and suffered together. We have had more than enough together and barely enough together. He is my home. He is where I can relax and laugh and be safe. He brings out the best in me and challenges me to be better.

The story that I think really illustrates our relationship is Abraham and Isaac. During the initial loss, I remember telling God that I was willing to sacrifice the relationship and the love we have upon the alter b/c I knew He was able to resurrect it. I placed the promise upon the alter to sacrifice it in worship. I had not idea that He would actually resurrect not just the dream of being married but the very relationship I was willing to lay down. He is good.

Needless to say, in our relationship we don't really fight about much. When you have loved one another like we did, lost one another and then been given back to each other, what is really worth fighting about. There is really not any agreement that is worth being mad at each other. We both remember what it was like being apart. Divorce is not really something we would ever consider. We are meant to be together, death due us part. When God goes through that much trouble to bring you together, you gotta know it is forever. I am not saying that we never have troubles. We have had some dark seasons in our marriage, but we always know it will work out b/c we both know beyond a shadow of doubt there is no plan B. It is you and me babe forever. I can also say that what we have is a direct result of what we walked through. We have been given a gift that most people don't get. We have a different perspective and a fierce devotion and passion for one another. It's like coming back from a near death experience. Life looks different from that perspective. It changes what you do, how you live and what is important. That is a gift from God.

Was it right or wrong what was done to us? That question is really irrelevant. Do we have something stable and beautiful b/c of it? Yes. Would I do it again? You bet I would, without hesitation. To have my fairy tale ending. To know the kind of love people make movies about, WITHOUT HESITATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a story that gives us roots, deep roots.

I love Larry Keith Hall and will spend the rest of my life loving, living and growing with him. He was perfectly created and perfectly prepared to be my better half. I could not ask for a better, more amazing, loyal, gracious, devoted, extraordinary individual to spend the rest of my life with. He loves me just because. He is my best friend. I have more fun with him than any other person on this earth and there is no one I would rather spend time with. I used to think he was really lucky to have someone like me (wow, that is so ugly and awful to admit). Then God showed me I was the lucky one. I am the one who is getting the better end of the stick. Larry is so gracious to love me. I better appreciate him too, b/c truth be known no one else could put up with me. No one else could ever love me like he does.

Love story-- Part 2

We both were dealing with the loss in our own ways and trying to move on with our lives. One of the first amazing thing God used this situation to do in my life was to utterly break my will. When you read about how much I trust God and how definitely I surrender my will to Him. This is where that work was done in my life. Here in the valley of despair my will was truly broken. After walking away from the love of my life, and choosing to place him of God's alter of sacrifice, everything else seems easy. Giving my will over to God is not a struggle for me. I don't say that to be proud, religious, or to seem spiritual. It is just the truth. This is the place in my life, where the self will was broken. Whether or not I was supposed to give him up, really is totally irrelevant in the light of the beautiful brokenness God worked in my through this. I felt like, once I walked through giving Larry up, there was nothing God could ask of me that I could not handle.

My heart was so confused, but I sought comfort in Jesus and He used the situation to speak, heal, and change me. A scripture I have actually written about in the last few weeks, was used against me in this situation. I was told by a leader, when I asked about how to reconcile what my heart felt to what "God was telling me (more like leadership was telling me)", that "the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things." That scripture was totally used out of context. And, as I have stated, I believe that if Jesus lives in our hearts, they are not wicked. If Jesus is Lord of the heart, He places good in it and orders its drives and desires. B/c of this I learned not to trust my heart; I became even more dependent on this church and wanted them to make all my decisions for me. B/c I couldn't trust my heart, I was afraid of making mistakes.

During this time period God also showed me that the way that I loved Larry and the passionate desire I had for him to be blessed should be the way I loved other people and desired for them to be blessed. That was one of the smaller lessons.

About six months later, I was in a strange kind of place and beginning to question a lot of things. I was questioning serving God, but looking back, what I was questioning was serving Him the way that church did. There were so many rules, spoken and unspoken. Favor was based upon obedience and service to the church. It had its own strange kind of legalism even though it was "charismatic". I was growing weary of it and maybe outgrowing it. I was asking if serving God was less about judgments and boxes, and more about the heart. I went back to Larry.

I have to interject something I forgot to tell about the beginning. I had this weird idea that I wanted our first kiss to be on our wedding day. Well, we didn't end up making that happen, but we really did not kiss each other until we had been dating and talking about marriage for like almost 4 months. We held hands. No making out. At the time we broke up, we had not had a sexual relationship at all. I remember a funny story that happened. We were in the car at 7 11, the one that used to be on Park and Jupiter; his niece was in the car with me and he brought me out a flower. At the time we had not kissed weren't intending to. I got out of the car and did a cartwheel to show appreciation since we didn't kiss. Funny.

So, I went back to him. I had never stopped loving him. We did take the step, almost immediately, (later the first day I went to see him) to have a physical relationship. I am sorry for the details, but they are important. I think, deep in my conscience, I thought if I could get pregnant that they would have to let us get married. Well, we did get pregnant. Yes, we got pregnant the first time we had relations; pretty funny. I knew that night I got pregnant. I could count my cycle; it was like a clock. I could feel when I ovulated (my back would hurt). Now, to my knowledge, I did not count it before and plan it consciously, but it is possible I did subconsciously. I did count after wards and I knew. That was a Tuesday; we saw each other on Wednesday; we did not see each other on Thursday. On Friday, I broke up with him again,leaving him quite devastated.

I went to the leadership and admitted to them what I had done. They all kept to the same stance, that even if I was pregnant, God still did not want me to marry this man. They all prayed that I was not. Sometime over the next couple weeks, I had to get up in front of the church and admit what I had done. I was so ashamed.

Things got really weird at this point. There was a differing opinion about how I should handle it. The things I was told, were very wrong for the most part. It may not be pretty, but I have to tell this story as it happened. I am telling the truth and cannot hide what happened. I was counseled not to tell Larry that I was pregnant so that I could give the baby up for adoption. I could not even comprehend giving the baby away. Ally had been such an amazing blessing in my life that I really wanted to have another. My heart said no way. Though, it would be difficult to be a single mom of two and increase the stigma already on me, I intended to rejoice in having another baby. Thankfully, a very wise leader in the church counseled me very strongly that if I did not tell Larry I was pregnant, I would be defrauding a brother. I do not think the other leadership was pleased with this council. So I went and left a note on Larry's car. Still another leader cornered me in the hall one day and kept pushing for me to put the baby up for adoption. When I replied that Larry would never agree to that, the person actually told me to go away somewhere for a few months, tell him the baby died and give it up. Yes, a Christian leader told me this. Well as you can imagine this really added to me confusion and what I was supposed to do. I was still a pretty young Christian. On the one hand I was taught not to lie, then on the other hand I was being told to lie about this baby.

Here is where I really learned about Gods grace. I say Stephen is my baby of grace and this is why. I was literally terrified the whole time I was pregnant that I was going to lose the baby. It was a terror that gripped my heart every single day. I wanted the baby so bad and I just knew in my heart that God was going to kill the baby to judge me for me sin. I thought that He let me get pregnant so He could take the baby to punish me for sleeping with Larry out of wedlock and for not being willing to give him up for adoption. So every time I went to the bathroom, I expected to see blood. I knew it was going to happen; I was just waiting for it. I have to believe that Stephen had to have felt that turmoil and fear while he was growing. I don't think it was a great environment for him to develop in, but he turned out okay. Till the day I gave birth to him, I was afraid of him dying. I didn't believe I would really get him until he was in my arms. After he was born God spoke to me about His grace. Yes, I had made a sinful choice, but God blessed me with the beautiful precious baby boy in spite of it.

Understandably, Larry was not sure that the baby was his. It just seemed to strange that I would come back to him for 2 days and that we would get pregnant our first time. It really hurt my feelings when he insinuated it too. Though, now it is a perfectly reasonable doubt to have. Since meeting Jesus, Larry is the only one in 17 years. So I knew that the baby could be no one else's but his. When Stephen came out, there was not doubt; he is the spitting image of Larry as a baby and child.

I saw Larry one time from the time of conceiving Stephen to his birth. That was early on to play a recording of Stephen's heart beat. Well, I have always had a thing for a man with long hair and for musicians. When Larry showed up at the hospital for Stephen's birth, he had hair to the middle of his back and I just about fainted. I was seriously attracted to this man that was forbidden and he had began playing guitar. Now, if you asked him he hated me, thought I was evil and was not, under any circumstances, waiting for me. He was, though, becoming what I was attracted to in a man.

Larry was model father. He always came for visitation. He paid for Stephen's circumcision. He paid child support. He even bought me a breast pump so he could take him back to Farmersville to visit for the day. I didn't want him to drink formula. When Stephen got older and I needed Larry to take him extra weekends for something, he would.

I started dating someone else. I had gone through the same process of praying and seeking the approval of the leadership (that is another story all together). Larry would come to see Stephen on Wednesdays or to pick him up for the weekend and have to see this person and watch us together. It used to really make him angry the way this person treated Alexandra, b/c he wasn't very nice to her. Like I said before, Larry has always adored her.

Fast forward, through some unimportant events. The church I got saved in closes.

Love story-- Part 1

I have been feeling like it is time to tell the story of how Larry and I came to be. I will warn you that this is going to be long, but it promises to rival some of your favorite chic flicks. It has all the elements of a great love story. Some people know the story; some know parts of the story; some have never heard at all. I am sure that no one has heard it like I am about to tell it. God taught me so much and showed himself so faithful through the whole process. There are so many details, but they are very important and God is in the details. I also want to apologize ahead of time for the drippings of bitterness that may creep. I am going to try to tell this in a positive light and not let the ugliness come out, but it may seep in a bit. I am sorry for that; just know that I pray about it daily and have for a long time and God is working things out. Maybe telling all the beautiful parts of the story will further help me process and release any pain that still remains.

So here we go, buckle up b/c it is quite a ride.

We have established that I was terribly abused and was shattered into a million pieces when Jesus introduced himself to me. I had never felt loved until Jesus told me He loved me. I was 7 months pregnant when I met Jesus. (I really need to tell that story very soon. I will try). Jesus immediately did a 180 degree turn around in my life, from the moment He came to dwell in my heart. He started healing, changing and restoring me in a miraculous and very quick way. He brought stability to me before I even realized what He was doing. That was probably for the benefit of the child I was carrying. I had never had a healthy relationship all of my life.

I have tried to do that math to get timing right, but forgive me if some of the timing is off or doesn't seem to line up. I am doing my best to try and make it all as accurate as possible. I do know that I met Jesus on July 17, 1992; it was a Friday night. It did not take very long at all for God to convince me that He had one perfect person for me to spend my life with. I knew that if I was patient and prayerful, He would bring that person to me. I believe that if God is capable of saving us and leading us, He is more than capable of bringing the right person at the right time. He didn't need my help. I really walked in that truth. I noticed people; I would wonder if that was the one, but I did not believe in dating. Take what you want from that. It was the stance I took, and it worked for me. I thought that I would insist on that for my children, but my children are aloud to date (that change is also a story for another day). I believe that I met Larry when Ally was in the 18 months to 2 years range. (I always say she was 1, but looking back I am not entirely sure). She could walk, I know. We met in a singles group that a friend organized. And I was fresh out of the world. Because I had come from such an extreme, I went extremely the other direction. EXTREME is really the only way you could describe me. Looking back, I am not sure why Larry did not run away screaming in the other direction.

I wore no earrings; I grew my hair out long, straight and with no color. I wore no make up. I wore ankle length skirts. (Hard for the people that know me now to even imagine). I was really whacky too. Bible thumper to the extreme mixed with my own brand of religiosity. I am definitely a Christian and very passionate about my walk with Jesus, but I hope Jesus has pruned the whackiness out of me.

Larry and I became friend pretty quickly and fell in love with one another pretty quickly. I prayed a lot about becoming involved with him and went to the leadership of the church for direction. I felt very strongly about not dating for the sake of dating. I believed in courtship. If I got involved with someone it was going to be b/c I was going to marry that person. Talk about being scary and intimidating for the man. Poor Larry. The guys who think their girl is trying to move too fast, just need to talk to him. There was no dating. We were friends then if he wanted to pursue it further we were talking about marriage. (I am glad God was in this thing, b/c he really should have run). I had been praying and not dated anyone for almost 2 years from the time that I met Jesus. We did start dating/courting, whatever you want to call it. We got to know each other and really adored each other.

I have never been loved the way he loves me. Sometimes I feel like I must be Cinderella b/c my love life seems like a fairy tales. He is the man of my dreams. I truly love this man more today than the day I married him. He has always loved me for exactly who I am, baggage and all. We balance each other so well and bring out the best in each other. I believe that God gave us the exact temperament and put us in the exact environment to make me and him who we are and that the combination is perfect to bring us where God wants us to be.

We were together for about 9 months. We were starting to plan the wedding. Ally called him daddy. I never doubted that he was the one that I was meant to be with so I dove in head first. I gave him all that I was, and shared all I was capable of sharing with him. Over the years, he has gotten to know me better and has seen parts of me that he didn't see back then. It is not that I was hiding intentionally, but as I get to know myself He gets to know me. I have had to receive a lot of healing and let God show me who I am, was and will be, b/c I did not know. Larry has always adored me and treated me like I was the most beautiful precious thing he has ever laid eyes on. When I still felt dirty, used and like a whore, he never viewed me that way. It was as if the past just didn't matter to him. He did, fall in love with Ally before he fell in love with me, but she was so so so cute. He couldn't help it. We both had a lot of baggage and it was very different baggage. I had baggage from the world and abuse. He had baggage from the Church.

Here is where my words could seem to be a little contaminated with yuck and again, I am sorry. I will try to keep that from getting in. I was, as I see it, kind of like the church mascot. I had a pedestal kind of mindset. Whether I just took that on, or it was given to me, I am not sure. It is probably a combination of both. The attitude was, "Look at this, look at what we did; she was a mess and we fixed her." Having been raised in an environment that did not really involve church, I didn't really know how church was supposed to be. There were some balance problems, but I was not able to see them. If they said jump, I said how high. In my mind they could do not wrong. They were my leadership, and I was to obey what they said. I didn't really question, what I was taught, I just believed it. Well, that was not the case with Larry. He had mind of his own, and He was not going to let anyone control him. He studied what the Bible said and asked questions. That was really a bone of contention between us. I really had hard time when he did not agree with them and we would fight over it. I loved that church, the people and the leadership; I wanted them and him to agree. I always felt kind of torn between them. I felt like I had to submit to them and like choosing to disobey them would be choosing to disobey God; I also felt like Larry was home, he was my true love and where I belonged.

The day came that I was told to break it off with Him. I can remember feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I fell to the ground and began to weep uncontrollably. I am not sure what the catalyst was or what motivation was behind it. Looking back it seems like letting us be together inevitably would have led to them losing me b/c he would take me out of the church. Was that the motivation? I don't know. I may never know. It was devastating for the both is us.

Now, I don't think it is the churches place to tell you who to be with or not to be with. My flesh would like to say that it was wrong what they did to us, but then God in my heart points out to me how much better off we are b/c we went through this thing. Keep reading b/c it just keeps getting better. I can't say whether they were wrong or right now. I can say God is good and in control and WOW did he do some amazing things through this situation and to bring us back together.

The way it was presented to me was, "That Larry would be a weight to me, that He would keep me from accomplishing the call of God on my life." Well, when presented with the choice of a man or Jesus. Of course, for me, what I had to choose was obvious. Was it easy? No, to this day, it is one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is the most painful thing, I have gone through since I began walking with Jesus. Truth be known, it was never a choice between Larry and Jesus; it was a choice between Larry and the church. Unfortunately, I was manipulated and the choice made to seem different than it was. Jesus gave me everything I have; He got me off of drugs and set me free; He healed me and called me out of darkness. Though, I loved Larry with all my heart, He did not do any of that for me. So I chose to end it.

My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I truly felt wounded by God. I had prayed so diligently about getting involved with Larry. I did not understand why God would say yes and then take him away from me. I would ask, "Why couldn't you have just said no, I would have obeyed God. I would have been willing to accept no. But why give and then take." The truth is Job says, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." He can take anything He wants. I pressed into Him and cried out to him. Though, I felt He had taken my love away, I sought Him non the less. Jesus was and is everything to me, so I could not let this devastation drive me away from Him. I let it draw me closer to him. I read a lot in the Psalms. I would read and weep and pray and sob. I begged for God to take the pain away and make me willing to do His will. I begged for Him to break my will and make me strong enough to rejoice in Him no matter what He would require of me. I sobbed so deep within myself a couple of times that I would throw up. I have never felt sorrow of heart like it felt. Ally was around 2 or 3 and I would try to keep it together for her, but I was just so broken to the core of myself. I did not really share that agony with many people. I don't think I felt like I could. I felt like I had to put on a strong front of obedience so that no one would think I wasn't submissive to God or that I doubted. I tried to move on with life, but it really was like we were grieving a death. I guess we really were grieving the death of the love and of the dream. On Larry's side of things, He lost his wife to be and his daughter. Really they all felt like they were grieving the death of us. It rocked every one's lives. Ally changed; it wasn't something she could express or you could even put your finger on it, but she changed. The carefree, bubbly little girl went away and she seemed sad and confused. We were all confused. In my heart, I knew I loved him, but I had to deny it and pretend like I didn't love him. The only thing I could do was turn the love to hatred. Love and hate really are next door neighbors. True hate has to start out with some measure of love. The real opposite of love is indifference.

I was instructed that letting Ally continue to have a relationship with Larry or his family would be a mistake. That I would just be giving an already rebellious child a place to run away to. First, looking back, Alexandra (as we called her back then) was not rebellious. She was bubbly, joyous, full of life. She loved to sing and dance; she was very well behaved even. I told her not to do something, she just didn't do it. The other two certainly were not like that.

Things were hard for me, but at least I had the church family; Larry was just cast out by himself.

He was alone and confused. He became very angry with God. I did not run to Him. He ran away from God. As far as he was concerned, God lied to him and took me away from him. Larry felt like God told him (in high school) that He would only fall in love one time and that she would be the one for him. He fell in love and as far as he was concerned God took me away from him or at least let the church take me away from him.

To make this story more readable, I am going to divide it up into parts.

More on Mom.

This morning as I ran, I began to ponder my mother again. As bad as things were when we were growing up, it could have been so much worse. She really tried to love us. She just didn't know how. She had never been loved, therefore she did not love herself so she was incapable of really loving herself. The word says, "Love you neighbor as yourself." If we don't love ourselves, we can't really love others. If we hate ourselves, and we love our neighbor as ourselves then we hate our neighbor. Anyway, my mom never set out to be mean to us or hurt us. It was never in her heart to cause any kind of harm to us. She would have given anything to see us grow up happy and whole and to go further than she did.

What really sparked these thoughts was hearing a friend talk about her mother. The circumstances surrounding her conception were very unhappy and complicated. It involved some really bad situations. Her mother felt the need to tell her about those shameful circumstances her whole life. Her mother hated her, and wished ill to her her whole life. Her mother blamed her for something that she had no control over. It is not as if this girl chose to be conceived when she was conceived. Her mother has hated her for her whole life for something she had not control over and could not ever change. She treated her bad and called her stupid, and used the conception problem as an excuse. Instead of seeing God's grace in giving her a child and embracing it as a blessing, she has treated this wonderful, amazing woman as a curse for her entire life. How horrible that would have to be, to grow up like that. I have found myself praying diligently for this friend over the last couple days. My heart is so broken for her. I feel such a deep agonizing ache in my heart for her. I have found myself praying for God to restore her sense of destiny, redeem the years the enemy has stolen from her and turn what the enemy has used to harm her for her whole life around to smack him right in the face with it. I want God to comfort and let His truth sink deep into the deepest parts of her soul. GOD DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every person conceived and born was created by Him and for Him. "He knit us together within our mothers womb. He has numbered our days and the very hairs upon our heads. I pray that every person who has ever felt like a mistake finds and reads this blog and that God illuminates the truth to their hearts. He created each of us. "God is not a man that He should lie, nor is he the son of man that He should repent." "His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts." He knows, and allows and plans. Receive the truth in your heart, you are not and have never been a mistake. My oldest daughter and my son know the circumstances surrounding their conceptions. They were not "conventional" by any means. I mean, I was a drug addict when Ally was conceived and my husband and I were not married when Stephen was conceived and wouldn't be married until Stephen was 2 or 3. Neither one of those children was a mistake. God sent them to me. They were both instrumental in bringing growth and healing in my life to different areas. (Another story I need to write about.) Ally saved my life and God used Stephen to put me and Larry back together as a family.

It makes me so sad when I hear about people growing up in some of there terrible situations. I cannot imagine ever making one of my children feel like they were a mistake. As a matter of fact, these children are my life. They are second only to my love for Jesus. Every decision I make has them at the center of it; I way everything next to them. They are my treasure; they are some of the greatest blessings in my life. I see it as a great privilege and responsibility to be their mother. I am so sorry for those who have grown up feeling less than that. Little girls are meant to be princesses and little boys are meant to be handsome knights in shining armor. God has used my children to teach me so many amazing lessons and to heal so many horrible wounds inside me.

Back to my point. No, I was not a little princess. My mother, though, never ever meant any ill will toward me. She would have never set out to intentionally hurt one of us. She might have been neglectful, but never intentionally hurtful. Had she realized the things that were going on, I don't think she would have hesitated to shoot some people in the head and worry about it later. She is fiercely protective of her children and grandchildren. I have no doubt she would step into the path of a bullet, car, train or any object threatening one of us including my husband. If someone were to do real harm to one of us, right or wrong, I believe she would do something about it even if it meant jail. I was just struck this morning again as I prayed for my friend how blessed I am to have my mother and how things were really not so bad. I truly believe that my mother never ever meant harm to us and really only ever wanted good things for us. She just wasn't capable of giving the good things and love that her heart wanted to give us. So things could have been so much worse. She has never ever made me feel like I was a mistake, even when I stole from her, verbally abused her, and became the iceberg of cold indifference I was for the first few years I walked with God. She just prayed and tried to love me anyway she could; she has striven for the last 20 years to make up for the harm that was done.

No more striving!!! "It is finished" so declared the Creator and Savior of the universe. He has made ALL THINGS Right.

I love the part of the Serenity Prayer that says, "Trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to His will."

I don't deny that things were bad, but they could have been so much worse. And I have a Redeemer who makes all things right, so I don't have to worry or fret, nothing is wasted and all will be as it is supposed to be.

Mother--This starts painful, but finish it, the ending is great

Beautiful Redemption

My relationship with my mother, though wonderful now,did not start out very good and was rocky for a very, very long time. When I was a child, she was clinically depressed. She slept for what seems like most of my child hood. We grew up in a house that was indescribably messy and often times filthy. My Mom has said that CPS probably would have taken us out of the home if they had ever come in and looked. She allowed a lot of really terrible things to happen to me and my brother. We were very angry as we grew up. I can say for myself, I wasn't even aware of what I was angry about. I just knew that I despised her. She was not one to hold us, hug us or anything until we were much older. As she tells it, she used to leave me in my crib with a bowl of cereal and sippy cup. I think my aversion to physical contact is tied to that. I read one time that babies and toddlers are developing nerve endings and if they don't get stimulated in certain ways the nerves relating to that stimulation don't develop properly. That would explain why sometimes being touched is painful to me and why I have a definite bubble. I have been known to react in a pretty unreasonable way to violation of the bubble. Needless to say, I think I was probably pretty justified in being angry. I started doing drugs, cutting myself and attempting suicide by the age of 13.

In her defense, she really did the very best she could with the equipment she had. She had been terribly abused and neglected as a child. The only way she knew to deal with the pain of her childhood was denial to the point of actually dividing herself into different people. The unfortunate side effect of her denial was that she could not see that her abuser and others were victimizing her children. Those years were dark to us all.

On the other hand, all of my childhood memories of her are not bad. I have some pretty distinct good memories. I remember one Christmas she made all this Barbie jewelry for me by stringing beads. This was not an easy feat b/c she is blind as a bat. I remember hunting for Easter Eggs. I remember her buying us an Atari. I remember her buying us doughnuts for breakfast on Friday mornings. There were these giant chocolate doughnuts as big as my head (as I remember it). I also remember her being told that my brother was a hopeless case and a sociopath (one without a conscience). They told her to just sign him over to the state b/c he would spend his whole life in prison. She refused to do that. Today we are all grateful b/c he is okay, and such would not be the case had she abandoned him. Believe me, it would have been easier. He was totally out of control. Burning things down, turning the car off while we drove down the highway, terrorizing the whole neighborhood. It took a lot for her to keep us together. We were both pretty horrible children at different times.

She also gave me some really great traits. She raised me to be very independent and to take care of myself. Now my independence has had to be tempered and still needs more tempering. Thankfully, God is busy working on that. But I am not someone who is easy to knock down; I am not a whiner, nor am I really needy. That is something she helped develop in me. I have seen my mother move a couch up a flight of stairs by herself. She kept clear of relationships when she realized that she was not capable of attracting healthy men. We may have grown up without father figures, but we also grew up without added abusers and pain inflicted from boyfriends and step dads coming and going.

Our family was incomprehensibly broken and devastated when we met Jesus. My mother was the first one to come to Jesus. After being in hospital after hospital, we finally came to one that had the insight that if they got my mother put back together then it would be easier to put me and my brother back together. After she got onto the path of healing, she would endure a few more years of dealing with us before we would come in. She prayed for us faithfully.

My mother told me in a recent conversation that her biggest fear used to be that I would just leave and never talk to her again. I have to say there was a time when I wanted nothing more than that. There was years even after I got saved that I felt so much hatred for her and wanted to just separate myself from her and my brother.

Thankfully, God did not allow that to happen. It has been a long, slow process, but God has done an amazing, miraculous work in our family.

My mother has lived with us for the last 5 years; for that I am grateful. There has been so much healing, restoration and redemption. We are so much closer than we used to be. I am not saying that things don't get a little ugly every once in a while. We scream sometimes, but there is less screaming and much more communication. We have learned to talk about things and be gracious to one another. We have learned to accept one another for who each of us is and where each of us happens to be.

God has redeemed so much of what my mother lost through my family. Before my husband and I were married, me and my two older children lived with my mother. She allowed me to be a stay at home mom and raise my children in a way that she was never able to do for me and my brother. There was even a point that she worked full time and went to school full time while I stayed home with the kids. God allowed her to give to her grandchildren what she was not able to give to us. She is also responsible, along with God, for allowing me to give birth to the first generation in our family of Christians. My children were born into a home what worshiped God rather than Satan (literally). She has been so so so good to us in the years since Jesus arrested her heart. There is nothing she would not do for me, my brother, my children and my husband. She would give her life for us; she would give her hands and feet if she thought it would make our lives better. God has healed her heart so much by watching my children grow up. She adores my husband and he adores her. She has been known to work 12 or even 14 hours a day to make money to help with bills are to have money for some one's birthday. She adores her grandchildren and they adore her. No one in our family could ever imagine her not living with us. And we really never intend on letting her move out. What an amazing blessing it is that my children only have to walk upstairs to hug their grandma. I cannot imagine not seeing my mother every day. I know that being close and seeing each other every day will make losing her so much harder. I know that the day will come the Jesus will call her home, so I have to treasure each moment we have. We lost a lot of moments early in live so we try to make up for that now. Man have we made some great memories. We have laughed together; we have cried together. My mother is my biggest fan. She is the loudest cheerleader I have. She supports everything I do and tells every one who will listen about the things I do and how proud of me she is. I was listening to a friend talk recently about losing her mother. She said she had no idea how hard it would be and there had not been tons of communication b/c her mother had had alzhiemers. That is when it hit me how blessed I have been with my relationship with my mother and how imaginably painful it will be when I had to lose her. I won't let the thought of that pain cause me to draw away from her though. I will continue to know her better and let God draw us closer. He will deal with the pain when and if that happens. I will NEVER run away and leave her now. She need not fear that. She is treasure to me. She is such an important part of our family. I love her with all my heart. She is amazing. I know that she does not have to make up for her past mistakes, but if we were comparing on a scale, the good so far outweighs the bad. She has made up for it all a million times over. As great as things are now, I know thatGod has only scratched the surface of what He wants to do.

Don't ever think that any person or any situation is beyond redemption. It is hard to describe so that you can understand, but our family was broken beyond any earthly hope of restoration. Think of us like a vase. Take the vase smash it, now roll over it with a bulldozer. Then take a tornado and blow on the dust that is left until is scatters to the four corners of the earth. There is more hope of you finding the pieces of that vase and putting it back together than there was hope for our family. The things we endured and the things that we did to each other cannot even be spoken of in most circles. But God is Good. He is able to do the impossible. He always has an amazing plan and it always involves turning what the enemy meant for our harm around for our good. We will be closer, stronger and filled with more love and dedication to one another than we ever would have been if we had "been normal".

I have news for you, too, mom; all that creativity, beauty and talent inside me came from you. So it is there in you. You just have to let God excavate it. My intelligence came from you too. You may have had your identity stolen from you so that it has been missing your whole life, but God is at work and He is bigger than any loss, and bigger than the enemy who stole who you are. He's giving it back to you. Keep fighting for your heart.

We have had some of the most amazing adventures. One of the funniest ones, I have to share. We have laughed and laughed over this. Anyone who went to the church I got saved in will find this extremely humorous b/c you have probably never heard this story. In the early years, I was on food stamps and medicaid with the children. My mom's money paid the bills and we ate on the food stamps. If I remember correctly our family of 4 survived on 288 dollars worth of food stamps and WIC. We ate meat, maybe one time a week. We lived on mac n cheese, ramen noodles, fish sticks, beans, and stuff like that; also it was always the off brands. The church was doing a food drive and we wanted to give to it. We cleaned the church on the weekends so we had a key to the church. We took half of our food stamps for the month and went shopping. We really thought about what we wanted to buy too. We went in with the mindset of "what do poor people never get to eat?" We bought real brands; we bought a bunch of meat; we had so much fun shopping for the poor people that we didn't even think about the fact that we weren't going to have much to eat for that month. We really didn't care. We were just so excited to give. We didn't want anyone to know what we had done,so we snuck in the church really late and put all the stuff in the box and put the meat in the freezer; we left a note in the box so they would know that there was also meat in the freezer. So Christmas Eve comes and we hear a knock on our door. They brought all the food to us. We were the poor people. Of course, we didn't tell them what we had done. We were actually pretty mad at God for a minute. "We gave that for the poor people." I guess we didn't see ourselves as the poor people. We were definitely pretty poor. After the initial irritation at God for giving our gift back to us, we were really grateful and we ate really, really good that month. Every year at Christmas we tell that story and laugh historically. We have come a long way. We do pretty well financially, now. We have that memory together, though. It's a great memory that makes us crack up every year even 14 or 15 years later. That is not only one. We have many many more. And we will makes many more.

DON'T FORGET; GOD IS GOOD; HE IS ALWAYS AT WORK; AND NO ONE AND NOTHING IS BEYOND HIS REACH AND HIS REDEMPTION.

Christmas Lesson.

More and more I feel like the only thing this blog may be accomplishing is to confirm to the people around me that I am in fact very strange and quite insane. It seems I have some lesson God has taught me to write about every day. Either I am quite strange, or God talks to all of us each and every day in both ordinary and extraordinary situations. The real issue here, then, is do we stop and listen or do we ignore. I think, if we are seeking and open, God wants to speak to us all day every day and teach us in every situation we find ourselves in. So I will, non the less, be faithful to write, as often as I can. I will write in a small part b/c God asked me to and I find that it is always easier to do what He asks in the first place. If we choose not to obey, it just doesn't usually go well, or at least it doesn't for me; I end up doing what He asked anyway; it just ends up being a little more painful when I disobey first. It's kind of like when we were kids; we can obey in the first place and things go smooth, or we can disobey, get spanked and then do what we were asked to do in the first place. The other reason I will continue to write is that the things I am to say continue to bubble up and multiply inside of me whether I choose to let them out or not. The pressure of the build is uncomfortable, though, and the only way to let the pressure out is to release it here.

So, the Christmas lessons. This will probably not be exactly what you are expecting, but here they are.

First lets deal with the physical and its manifestations.

Yesterday, we ate junk, junk and more junk. It is our family Christmas tradition to basically feast on horsdevors all day long. We start of the morning with sausage balls, which were a little less damaging due to my suggestion to use turkey sausage as opposed to pork sausage in them. We also cook canned cinnamon rolls, orange and plain. I woke up knowing that the choice of food would cause me to be miserable, and sleep all day. The dull head ache began after breakfast and continued all day. I felt like my eyes and head were full of cotton. I was also almost immediately overwhelmed with the need to go to sleep. I ate at least a dozen cinnamon rolls and probably a dozen sausage balls. After a movie and nap, lunch followed. Lunch was actually more like dunch, it was pretty close to dinner time. We watched another movie and feasted on what would have seemed pretty innocuous to the normal person. I am not the normal person. My body is very picky and reacts pretty violently to food that is deemed unacceptable (not by me, but literally by my body). It seems the better I eat and the less often I feed myself junk the less willing my body is to tolerate it. I get more and more sensitive to food and add more and more to my list of no no foods. Sometimes I wonder if I am just allergic to all food and if the day will come when I can not longer tolerate any food. Will I be forced to live on a feeding tube? (not really, but it does seem my body is less and less tolerant, and reacts more violently.) I lay on the couch almost all day, sleeping and watching movies and feeling sick and terrible. It's like my body said, "I don't know how to handle what you have fed me so I have not choice but to shut down and be comatose for the day." We ate mini egg rolls, fried dinner shrimp, mini quiches, bagel bites, spinach dip, and chips. That is not great food, but not like the worst. My body treated it like toxic waste. The symptoms my body gave me to let me know it was not happy were, pain in my joints, lethargy, headache, and being very cranky.

I woke up this morning knowing that running might be a challenge, but determined to run and try to sweat some of the toxicity out. I had taken Christmas off from running and hated it. I missed the time with God, the endorphins and the feeling of being centered all day. I knew that I would not be able to tolerate a second day off, but wondered how bad it would really be. Well, I did have some pain with a lesson to learn. I was so thirsty that I literally drank 3- 33.9 oz bottles of water during the 2 hours I worked out. That is the next lesson. I was so dehydrated that my skin and lips are literally chapped. I keep putting lip balm and lotion on them. They feel like they are going to crack off. And I drank a lot of water yesterday.

As I ran the first lesson that came to me was before the pain or water lesson. As I prayed for some of the situation and people on my heart, I began to see a picture in my mind. I find that I pray a lot for God to wake our hearts up and help us to be fully alive in Him. I read an amazing book called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. It was amazing and I recommend it to every one, especially those who are followers of Christ. We, as a church, have been so guilty of killing our hearts, b/c we don't know any other way to deal with the hurt we have endured and are enduring. We have been convinced by the enemy that our hearts are evil, that desire is wrong, that we are supposed to buck up and just "do the right thing" whether our hearts are in it or not. I don't think I am even beginning to do justice to the book, but it was life changing for me and really impacted my walk. After reading that book, I began to pray for people that God would help them see that their hearts are good (b/c Jesus dwells there, how can our hearts be evil if He lives in them) and that God values and loves our hearts more than we can even comprehend. Proverbs says, "Guard your hearts, for out of it spring the issues of life." Jesus says the rivers of living water will flow out of our hearts. Romans says "if we confess with our mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in our heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." How can they, then , be evil? Jewish tradition makes the heart a much bigger thing than we make it. Since the Word was written within Jewish traditions and framework, then understanding some of that framework would give us a deeper understanding of the Word. The heart is the mind, will, emotions. Our hearts are the dwelling place of God; from our hearts we dream and love. We cannot find God externally. Sometimes we run around from place to place, church to church, experience to experience, trying to find God. Some of us try to fill that longing for God in alcohol, relationships, stuff, family, or accomplishments. We cannot be fulfilled with anything, but God. That hole will only be filled when it is filled with God and we cannot find God externally, we have to look inside in our hearts to find Him. I am not trying to negate church, community, service, or family; all of these things are important when they are are in their proper place, but they cannot fill the hole and we cannot truly find God in any of these if we have not found Him in our hearts. He is quiet and gentle and loving always waiting inside for us to listen.
So I pray that God shows everyone the goodness and value of their hearts. I pray that God would work in each of us to remove those things in our hearts that would keep us from knowing Him and making Him fully known. I pray for God to remove the anesthetic that deadens our hearts, and that he would resuscitate our hearts. He needs to heal, restore, redeem and change our hearts. Some of us have been so hurt and have walked in denial for so long that there is a thick crust covering it. Some of us cannot even begin to live and feel and dream, b/c there is so much concrete over our hearts. As I began to pray for our hearts and especially for the hearts that have been so devastated and crushed that they despair ever being whole, I saw a picture in my mind. I saw that the process God goes through in our hearts is kind of like digging a well. I have seen a lot of video of well digging b/c the millions who are without clean drinking water in the world concerns me and moves my heart. What I have seen in the digging of wells is that it takes a lot of digging to even get to liquid. Once they get to the liquid, it comes out muddy at first. Then, as they continue to dig, the water begins to run clear. I saw how much this parallels God dealing with our hearts. He begins to drill, deeper and deeper, sometimes it takes a really long time to get anywhere. The crust can be thick and very dense. When He breaks through there is water, but it is muddy. It is like His word and goodness, mixed with the debree, and corruption that dwells in our hearts. When we continue to seek Him and let him drill, eventually the water begins to come our clear and clean.

The next lesson was the pain lesson. I knew when I got up to run, (as a matter of fact I knew when I went to bed last night) there would be pain. I have also learned that, most of the time, if I run through the pain, it eventually stops and I get to enjoy my run. Now if I wanted an excuse not to exercise, I really would have one. I could get up and try, when the pain hit me I could just stop and not work out and be okay with the excuse that my legs were hurting very badly so I could not work out that day. I could write a whole page on what God showed me about excuses, maybe another day. I do not, however, want an excuse b/c I love running. My morning run with God is my favorite most treasured time of the day. I am usually pretty annoyed if there is a reason I cannot run. As I spoke to myself and God about the pain and knowing that if I pushed through it I would reach the place of enjoying my morning run, another parallel crystallized in my mind. God just seems to speak to me in everything. When we walk with God there are different seasons of that walk. Sometimes there are painful seasons. We may lose someone we love; we become ill; we may lose economic stability; there are endless possible sources of pain for us.

On a side note, all pain is relative. We have to come to a place where we stop comparing pain to others. We are all different and react different to pain. What may not hurt much to me, could be devastating to you and vise versa. It is especially true during childhood. Being laughed at can be just a painful or worse than being hit. Never being good enough is just as damaging to a person as my sexual abuse was to me. If we could learn to acknowledge and validate one an other's pain for what it is instead of trying to one up each other, humanity would be making a huge leap forward.

When we experience pain in our walk, it can be very difficult. We have to push forward, though. We are running a race; we have to finish. We cannot give up and stop running. Fortunately, Jesus is the "Author and finisher of our faith". He doesn't let us give up and stop running. He will let us slow down or even get distracted, but He never "leaves or forsakes us". We do have a choice through the pain, though, we can run from Him or we can run to Him. The only thing I know to do when pain hits is to cry out to Him, to ask for His help, and ask Him to give me the strength to keep running and not give up. He is faithful to help us keep running through the pain and then suddenly we realize that it doesn't hurt anymore and we are enjoying the race again.

Lastly, I want to cover the water lesson. As I drank water and drank water, I was quite astounded at the amount I drank while I worked out. I wasn't forcing myself to drink; I was just that thirsty. God showed me that, as my body was requiring a lot of water to help it process the toxic waste that I had dumped into it, so we require a lot of the water of the Word to combat and process spiritual toxic waste. That toxic waste can be in the form of bad doctrine (which I did have a lot to combat at one point in my walk). It can be addictions, such as pornography, drugs, self destructive patterns, unhealthy beliefs about ourselves or identity issues. The more toxicity inside of us, the more of the Word we need to pour in to be able to combat it. I was so full of toxicity, when I came to know Jesus. I think that may be why He gave me such a hunger for His word and such a drive to consume it. The first couple years, I read and read and read that Bible. I was starving for it and as He illuminated it to me, it was like a banquet filling me, satisfying me, and transforming me. I must have read the Bible cover to cover at least 3 times the first 5 years. I slowed down for a number of years. I still read it, but just not so voraciously. It has picked up again over the last 2 years. Those first few years really gave me a strong foundation and made me able to find my way around the Bible pretty well. Reading over and over has committed so many scriptures to my heart and mind. Many of them I did not set out necessarily to memorize; I just read them enough that they stuck in my head, kind of like songs do.

These are the Christmas lessons God taught me. I actually learned them the day after Christmas b/c I was comatose most of Christmas. Next year we are going to have to change the plan to something a little less destructive to my body.

God is so good all the time. He is so faithful to me. His love is better than wine. I am so glad that He is willing to walk with me and teach me every day. I am so glad He gives me eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to believe.

Proverbs 27:7 says, "A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.

When we are satisfied with what this world has to give us and full of self satisfaction even the beauty of Gods word is something we don't really desire, but when we are hungry for God and desperate for all He has to offer us, even the bitterness of pain, struggle, persecution, and loss is sweet to us b/c He is there in it speaking and working and comforting.