Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Its been a hard couple weeks

It has been a while since I wrote in my blog. It has seemed to me like someone has had their finger on a fast forward button in regard to my life. I have been so busy and had to go so many places in the last couple weeks. I keep looking back at the end of a week and wondering what happened to the week. I really want to slow down a bit and find a slow motion button. I need about 48 hours in slow motion I think. We moved and then it seems like life just sped up. What seems to happen when I get in this mode is that, when it does slow down, I feel out of sorts. I keep feeling like surely there is somewhere I need to be or something I need to be doing. I haven't sewn in probably 4 or 5 weeks, the blog has been neglected for about 3 weeks. Today, once I confirmed to myself that I really didn't have anywhere I needed to go or anything I needed to do, I decided to write about the last couple weeks. Then I hope to be able to sit down and be creative for a few minutes.

This last couple weeks I have really been confronted with how temporary life really is. I have been jarred out of the attitude I tend to walk around with that says bad things don't really come my way. We have not had health insurance for about close to 6 years. I just kind of operate with the idea that we will be okay and we are somehow immune to serious illness. I have had that illusion shattered for me in the last few weeks.

First my very good friend was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I am very sad about it, but I know that we will beat it as a team (her whole huge support group). Her diagnoses has caused me to re-evaluate my fairytale idea that my family is immune to any kind of sickness.

The thing that has really rocked me is losing someone that I once spent a good amount of time with. My friend Charla passed away this last Wednesday/Thursday. We were friends and she was one of the most accepting and wonderful people I have met. She had many long term health problems so I guess we all knew that it was possible that she could leave us at any moment, but I don't think anyone was really expecting it. I know she just seemed to me like the cat with more than nine lives. She would have problems, but she just kept kicking. B/c I didn't really expect her to go any time soon, I was really bad about putting off going to see her for a visit. Weeks turned into months, turned into over a year. I would feel in my heart that I should go see her, but I never stopped and took the time. It's like God would whisper to me, "Hey you should go see Charla." I would think yeah, I need to go see her, but somehow something else always came up. I would run into her and she always had a huge hug for me and, more times than not, she would be so happy to see me that she would start to cry. Over the years, as she got sicker, I found it harder to go see her. It was so difficult to see someone so sweet and talented and amazing be trapped inside such a broken body. I just always thought, I'll go tomorrow. I know that she did not hold it against me and still considered me one of her closest friends. When I first got the news, I felt so guilty for not having gone to see her more; she had been somewhat home bound for a good while. I sort of felt like that I had let her and God down b/c I hadn't spent more time with her. I have since realized that it's not that she needed me to come see her and it is not that I need to feel guilty for not being a "good Christian" and spending time with my friend who "needed" me to come see her. The truth is that I missed out on being able to have the gift of Charla in my life that last year or so. God wasn't wanting me to go bless Charla, He was wanting me to be blessed by her. I have learned a very hard lesson this week. We have to stop being so busy that we don't love the people in our lives and allow them to love us. Most of what keeps up busy is stupid and meaningless. The people are whats important. I read a book one time that talked about people being the "treasure" we store up in heaven. When we invest our time and money into people we are putting our priorities in the correct order.

I have been really quite sad over losing Charla. I am very sad that I did not take better advantage of the time I did have to spend with her. I feel like I can learn and take away a lesson, though, which makes it a little easier to bare the loss. I have to weigh my priorities very carefully. People must always hold the highest weight. The dishes will always be there; the house will always need to be cleaned. Running is fun, but I am not sure that I will look back with fondness over running 12 or 13 miles on my treadmill. I will look fondly back at all the people I have had the opportunity to know, love and be loved by. I find myself praying these days that God will help me be a better friend and to love people better. I want to be engaged in the lives around me and be always on the lookout for someone new to love and impact.

1 comment:

  1. You are an awesome friend...We are all very blessed to have you in our lives.