My Lenten Journey

This year is the first year I have observed Lent. I have not really been in a church that observed it, nor have I even been taught anything about it. This year our church began following the Liturgical Calendar and observing the rhythms and days of the calendar. I have been so amazed at the focus and direction it has given my walk to think in terms of the seasons of remembrance in our faith as a opposed to just passing the days and months of the year. When we started this journey, our pastor, Mark taught a class on the Liturgical calendar, the meaning of the days, and what is significant about walking this calendar. I loved the idea of walking through the seasons of the life of Christ and how that can and will shape us into His image if we will allow. I love the idea that each year we can revisit remembering and re-walk the path, and as we revisit each year we will be changed and have a deeper understanding of who He is and how He walked. We will, in turn, have a deeper understanding of who we are in Him and be daily formed by Him into His likeness. I have been so excited to walk this path and have been so amazed at what He is doing in me as I seek to be in tune with the seasons and what He wants to teach me in all of them. The other part of this new journey I really enjoy is reading each day from the Book of Common Prayer. It really amazes me to think on the idea that brothers and sisters all over the world are reading the same verses and listening to what our Father has to say about them each day. There is something big, and grand and beautiful to me about the church of Christ unified in readings that cross ethnic, denominational, economic, and national boundaries. I have been so blessed to be able to discuss with my husband and other members in our church what we are reading and what He is teaching each of us as we read. It has been such a surprise how much I have enjoyed implementing these two practices into my life.

So onto Lent. As we were following the Church calendar and preparing , I had prayed for weeks about what the Lord wanted Lent to look like in my life this year. Observing Lent was a new idea and our pastor was so good to post links to sites we could read and research to understand what this journey of Lent is about and how people historically have observed it and people who are accustomed to observing Lent are doing so now. I began to seek the Lord and ask Him what He wanted me to do or give up. What I felt impressed to do was surprising and seemed pretty unorthodox. But, as I continued to press and seek Him, I continued to feel the same impression. What I felt I was to do was really press into finding the creative artist He created me to be. I felt Him tell me to bath it in prayer and be faithful to take time each day to express creativity or write something. I felt like He said we were going to walk through the darkness and shadows the have buried "the artist" in me, and deal with that fear, the insecurity, the doubt, the paralysis that sometimes keeps me from even feeling like I can try. I began to work through a book by Janice Elsheimer called The Creative Call. I am also taking an online creative Indie business class. I felt like He told me if I would work on these and seek Him everyday, we would walk through the shadows and doubt resulting in Him resurrecting "the artist" at the end of the journey on Easter. So I have undertaken His call to really push into who He made me to be and all that stands in the way of that. There have been times when I just felt like giving up in the last week. I hear the old familiar voice in my head telling me that "this is stupid", "who am I to think I am an artist", "I am not really an artist". Then I would hear Him whisper to me "don't give up, press in, how are you going to inspire the people I want you to inspire if you give up and don't find your freedom?" So I press on. I am supposed to write every day for my assignments in The Creative Call and I have failed many days to make time to do that, but I can and will keep pressing and seek to do better. I spent hours yesterday writing in my journal as I sat on the back porch in the sun. It was amazing. It was so amazing that it may be easier for me to consistently make and guard that space to write. I read His word and just wrote my heart out. It was liberating and beautiful. I also made a piece of art that He inspired me to make; I trusted Him and worked on it and finished it yesterday. And, I actually like it. The picture above is what I created yesterday. It was such a great day. I feel so free and inspired and motivated to keep pressing on. I see the progress and growth He is doing in me and I am so excited to keep going and see who I am in a few weeks after completing my commitment to undertake this journey and be disciplined about making space to do what I actually have such a deep desire to do anyway.

So this morning as I sat quietly before the Father resting and waiting to hear what He wanted to say to me, He showed me a beautiful and heartbreaking picture. I began to weep. He showed me that I buried my true self; the beautiful artist, the truest part of who I am. I buried her a long, long time ago b/c I wanted her to be safe. I put her away in a box buried in corner in the basement of my soul. She is the most beautiful, purest part of me. She has been buried and covered over with so many layers so that none of the pain, abuse and tragedy could get to her. I needed to protect her b/c it was not safe for her when I was growing up. Now, though, it is her hour; it is time for the me He intended when he thought me up to come forth. My Father is digging her up out of the dirt and introducing me to the beautiful artist that I have kept safely tucked away for so many years.

I am so glad that my Father challenged me to take this journey for Lent and that He gave me the courage to accept the challenge. What a beautiful dimension and sense of adventure I feel as I learn to let the Creator teach me to develop and cultivate the creator He has created, called and equipped me to be.

We are going the Ethiopia

I have been intending to write this post for a couple weeks now and I just keep running out of time before I can sit down and write it. This post probably won't be nearly as thorough as I would like for it to be, but it will be a start and I can expand on it later. I have felt like I was going to go visit Ethiopia for a couple years now. Every since I first saw a video about the orphanage Drawn from Water. I was overcome with compassion and the desire to go and serve was birthed in my heart. Here is the video just in case you haven't gotten to see it. Please watch it. If these families can pack up and move to another country to love and serve then we can at least watch a video about the work they are doing.



Since seeing the video the first time, two years ago, God was done so much in my heart and life. I was introduced to the Embracing Hope for Ethiopia blog through following Drawn from Water. The main thing I feel like we are supposed to do this summer in Ethiopia is to give our time to Embracing Hope for Ethiopia and the work they are doing in Korah. We are going to love the overlooked and forgotten people of Korah. I believe so passionately in what the Shannon Family is going among the people of Korah in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. I don't know for sure what the Lord has in mind for us and our connection with Embracing Hope for Ethiopia in the long run. He will continue to reveal His purposes and details as we need to know them. For now, we are trying to spread the word about what they are doing and ask people to sponsor families to be enrolled in the program they are organizing and implementing.

We have never been on a mission trip, nor had we even thought about doing it until recently. I don't even know how it is going to happen. Honestly, part of me thinks I am crazy for putting this into print b/c I have doubt in my heart that the money to get there will come in. I mean, I know that when God calls He provides. I really only halfway believe that He will provide for us to get there. I know that He put it in my heart and has begun to put it in Larry's heart. I am so glad that His call, His provision, His grace are not dependent on me having some kind of super faith because I do ask Him for what I need and what I want, but I don't always believe that He will bring it to me. My faith continues to grow as I see Him come through for us over and over, but I do realize that any faith I have He gives me anyway. I am definitely not of the hyperfaith camp. He is so faithful and good to me and I know it is b/c He chooses to be good and faithful not b/c I have some great faith. He is faithful to me in spite of my doubt and fear.

The scripture that has been rolling around inside me for that last couple weeks and has given me great comfort and brought me to tears more than once is Psalm 116:7 "Return to rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you." He has been so good to me; He has blessed me so far beyond measure; in spite of my struggles, doubt and fear, He has given me more than I could enumerate were I to speak every minute of every day for the next year. I am sure that just the ways He has blessed me that I am unaware of would take up that much time or more.

My intention for this season of my blog is to use it to talk about the two ministries we will be serving while in Ethiopia (Drawn from Water and Embracing Hope for Ethiopia), to talk about the people of Korah, and to chronicle the work God does in us as we prepare to take this trip. Please pray for us as we step out to answer the call to go. Please pray for Drawn From Water and Embracing Hope for Ethiopia as they care for the widow, orphan and needy in Ethiopia. Pray for God to prepare and make way for what He wants to do while we are there.

Here are a video about Korah and the people who live there. Please watch it. So you can see why we are going and pray for us and the people of Korah village.

Why am I at Starbucks?

If you asked me that question I would probably give you the standard answer I give to most people. I came to work at Starbucks so I could have benefits and only have to work part time b/c I had a breast lump and needed to make sure I did not have cancer. Then I stayed b/c I ended up needing surgery after breast cancer was ruled out. After that I stayed through the holidays as a thanks for my boss letting me keep my job after I had given notice and needed to stay on longer. Now I am there b/c it's not so bad. I love my job most days; I don't have to work full time and it helps pay bills. I have a really nice rhythm to my life; I have a job, but it doesn't really encroach on the things I like to do and the rhythm I like to keep. I don't see myself leaving any time soon.

But....

when I ask God why I am at Starbucks He has a different answer which if you probe deep enough and ask really wanting an answer I will share with you as well. It is that answer that I want to blog about. I have to say that the answer to that question has changed as the months have turned into a year and as God continues to peal back layers of the onion that is me.

When I first went to work at Starbucks it was about killing my pride and my ego as well as the "image" I worked so hard to become and keep. It was a very humbling thing for me to take the job at Starbucks. I don't say that to convey that I am better than anyone else or that it is a lesser job b/c it is not. There are no "just jobs". There are places God sends us and asks us to be faithful. We are the ones who minimize it and make it less than it is. Where ever God sends us; it is a solemn call and beautiful opportunity to love and worship Him by doing "whatever we do as unto Him, with all our hearts"; it is a beautiful opportunity to love and serve the people we encounter. I can just give out coffee to people reluctantly and with no heart, or I can lovingly furnish people with a warm beverage with love and blessing in my heart intentionally connecting with them and using my passion to impact them and make their day better b/c they crossed my path. I can serve the Master of the Universe and creator of coffee by serving the people He created with grace and humility. So anyway, it is not just a job and it is absolutely not a job to be ashamed of. I am not better than anyone else, but God sure did expose that I thought I was too good for "Starbucks" and therefore I thought I was better than at least people who worked at Starbucks. I actually think I am better than a lot of people. That is something I admit now with shame in my heart. What a horrible and ungracious thing to feel. But the best way I can be faithful to God is to expose my weakness and His grace in spite of that. Hiding our struggles will never lead to freedom. I can be grateful that I even recognize it and realize that it is ugly instead of justifying myself or denying that it is really how I feel making me a "white washed sepulcher". When I expose it I can be filled with grace instead of death.

Now that God has moved me on from that and had so much of my "image" and ego really trampled on, there are deeper things being worked on through my job. The reason why I work at Starbucks right now in this season is to put into practice all that God is doing in my life. I am getting to work out daily the implications and daily practice of the beautiful things God is showing me and the amazing desires that He is stirring in my heart. If we cut down to the deepest yearnings in my heart beyond all the surface and really unimportant things, the thing I pray about the most and long for more than anything else is to be like Jesus. I really want to be like Him in every way. I know that there is much teaching in this day and age that we can't be like Him that He is perfect and we can't be perfect, "if we could be perfect, we wouldn't need Him". While there is a thread of truth in that statement, we use it as an excuse to not seek to be more like Him. We can't with any effort of our own become like Him no matter how hard we try, no matter how good we try to be or what rules we try to follow. We cannot in ourselves become like Him. But He can renovate and change us into His image. As we seek Him and love Him and spend time with Him, we will be changed into His image and become more like Him.

Romans 8:29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His
Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.
II Cor 3:18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.
Col 3:9-11 Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according the image of Him who created him, where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all and in all.

If we are not becoming more like Him each year we walk with Him, the question must be asked ," Are we really walking with Him or are we just putting on the pretense of walking with Him?" "With man this is impossible, but with God everything is possible." The call of every Christian to to do the work of the Kingdom; it is to bring the Kingdom of God to earth as it is in Heaven. We are called to be apprentices of Christ Jesus. He is to be our King and Lord. We are called to take up our cross and follow him...
Matt 10:38 And he who does not take up his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.
Matt 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.
Mark 8:34 When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, " Whoever desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.
Mark 10:21 then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, "One thing you lack:Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow me."
Luke 9:23 Then He said to them all, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

The cross is such a common thing for us it causes us to miss what He was really saying here. We see the cross from the context of our present age and culture. It is a religious relic, a reminder of what Jesus did for us. We need to take off our cultural glasses to really get what He was saying here. The people He was speaking to did not see the cross the way we do. He had not died on it, yet. I was not a picture of salvation. The cross was a Roman implement of death by torture. It was a symbol of high treason. So with that in mind think about what He was really saying to them. He wasn't saying, "Hey, take up your symbol of salvation and follow me." He was saying, "Hey, take up your implements of death by torture and follow me. Give up your life; die to all that you have been living for; lay it all down and follow me and suffer with me." Now it looks a bit different when you stop and see it that way, huh?
Salvation is not about "us". We are called out of darkness to shine His light in the darkness. We are called to obey and follow Him. When we make it about our "personal salvation" and not a part of an amazing enormous beautiful plan that began before we ever where, then we miss the point. The call to us is summed up by this quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer "When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die." We are called to give up our lives, our ambitions, our wills, our resources, our time, our dreams; we are called to lay our lives before the King and say, "As you will my Lord." We are so blessed and fortunate in this country; we have so much; it is not costly to be associated with the name of Christ. That blessing is also what keeps us from taking the call seriously. It doesn't cost us, so we treat the things of God very flippantly. For so many years I was not very concerned about the lost; I didn't really give much thought to people who were suffering and dying; the desperately poor were not my concern. "Me and Jesus were okay and that's all that mattered." When salvation is about where you go when you die, then it is a personal thing between you and Him. Everyone else is responsible for what happens to them in the end. If they don't know Him that is there problem. Their suffering is not my problem. When God began to show me that salvation was not about me, but was about something so much bigger I couldn't continue to make it about me and Him and not care about anyone else. Being a follower of Christ is not about where I am going to go when I die. It is about the part I am to play in this beautiful story God is telling. It's about me taking the Kingdom to the hurting, the lost, the broken. It is about becoming more like Him and caring about the things God cares about. The church is God's plan to bring the Kingdom of God to earth, God's plan to love and care for the poor and needy, the widows and orphans. The church is God's plan and there is not plan B. We are to show the broken and desperate world a new way. We are the light. We are to show love and forgiveness, humility and service. We are not supposed to ask God to step into our plans, we are supposed to step into His plans. The question must be asked, " what has God blessed us with so much for?" Has He given us so much so we can accumulate stuff and live well beyond comfortably while most of the world goes without the basic necessities of life? While we go to parks that consume millions of gallons of water, 2,500 children die from lack of water every day, in Africa nearly 1 billion people do not have access to clean drinking water. While Americans spend $18 billion just on coffee per year, 1 child dies every 5 seconds from lack of food. Can we, Christian, really be okay with this. Or do we need to rethink some priorities. Are we called, as followers of Christ, to continue accumulating stuff we don't need while so many are suffering and dying? It is so easy to ignore b/c these people are so far from us. Is this what denying ourselves looks like?

That was a little bit of a rabbit trail, but important none-the-less.

We can be changed into the image of Christ. Not only can we, but we are called to be changed. So I am consumed with learning to die to myself and love as He loved. To love unconditionally passionately and completely. I desire to learn to serve all and make my desire and plans last. I long to take interruptions and rerouting of my plans with grace and humility and not with irritation and self important arrogance. As I seek this and pray about it, God exposes every day to me how far from that place I am. Currently, that is why I work at Starbucks. As the high maintenance and sometimes difficult people come into my life each day, it exposes the lack of Christ like love in my life. I am at Starbucks to be made aware of all the ugliness that still lives in me. We are called to love. No matter what others do to us, we are called to love them. Read the sermon on the mount. ( Matthew 5) Pay attention especially to Matt 5:43-48

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,^" ⁴⁵ that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. ⁴⁶ For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? ⁴⁷ And if you greet your brethren^" only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors^" do so? ⁴⁸ Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

There is never an excuse for being unloving. And since God knows the intents of our hearts and every thought and feeling, then it isn't just about treating them well; it is about how we feel and what we think about them. It is not easy; as a matter of fact it is impossible to do on our own. Only Christ living in us, ruling and remaking us, makes it possible. Then there is not ego or boasting in ourselves b/c we didn't and can't ever do it. To God, then goes the glory.

The amazing thing about it is that, as I encounter these individuals each day, when I begin the feel the negative unloving thoughts and emotions rise, I feel badly. I recognize that I am not acting as Christ would therefore it exposes the ways that I have not yet been remade in His image. Before I not only would not have recognized that I was being unchristlike, but I would have felt justified in feeling negatively and even verbalizing the negativity to others. I now find myself grieved as soon as I see it rise up and begin to repent and ask the Lord to help me feel grace and compassion toward the person. By that I know I am making progress, and by that I know I have so far to go. I long for the day that grace and love are an automatic response not one that I have talk myself into. For the time being, God has graciously put me in the position to be able to practice and have my unchristlikenesss exposed to me daily.

More Bicycle Messages

You know I had a thought that I was going to write more bicycle metaphors and maybe people might get tired of my bicycle metaphors; then I remembered that I started writing this blog to process through things that happen in my life and to talk about what God shows me. It just happens that people read what I write, but the readers are really not the point.

I just went for a bike ride and let me tell you it is colder than I thought it was, especially with shorts on. Before I left, I asked God to speak to me and give me a heart to hear the message He wanted to give me.

I think that God can speak to us all throughout the day in all that we do if we are open to hear what he wants to say to us. If we are looking and listening, He is speaking all the time. He may use a person, a sign, a song, nature, a thought we have about something. He speaks in all sorts of ways and all the time; our job is just to be open to hear what He has to say.

So anyway, I left with the intention of riding and listening. The first of the ride was pretty difficult. As I said, I really didn't know it was as cold as it was when I took off. I was going on the assumption that it was comparable to yesterday when I went and rode. It was beautiful on my ride yesterday. Today, on the other hand, it was 46 degrees. The wind was blowing against me which makes the ride difficult in several ways. The wind is built in resistance plus as the gust come up on me they are so, so, so cold, biting cold. So as I rode I was asking hey what do you want to say to me. I did take the opportunity to think about people that don't have a warm home to go to. As cold as I was, I knew that I would be returning to me home where I would take a scalding hot bath. So I tried to think about people who don't have that and feel some compassion for them. I have been homeless. I spent time in Missouri homeless in the winter. I ended up spending several days on the side of the highway in the snow with my toes frozen to my socks. The only reprieve was sneaking into the truck stop until we would get kicked out again. No one would pick us up. It was miserable. I definitely feel for people who are homeless in the cold. However, I don't think I feel enough compassion or I would do more to help people in that situation. Sometimes its easy to be grateful for what I have and take it for granted so that I don't reach out to others.

That was a little bit of a rabbit trail. So, I was struggling with my ride, wondering if I had lost my mind when I went out on my bike in the cold. I was peddling and asking what do you want to say to me out here in this cold. There is something about riding my bike that is like a release from everything going on. I feel like I am flying; its a break from everything. My mind gets really quiet; I talk to Jesus and listen. No message, nothing really but struggle and freezing cold. I reminded myself that as much as the wind was blowing against me the chances were I would have a really great tale wind going home. I got to the end of the trail and turned around. Sure enough, the tail wind came up behind me and blew. And as it blew I flew. There is really nothing else like the feeling of riding with the wind behind you; it is literally like flying to me. I was so excited; I had to stupidest grin on my face. Though I had the wind at my back, I was not coasting with the wind either. I peddled as hard as I could with the wind helping me along. That equated to really flying. Then the message came. Hey, you see what happens when you put all that you have into it and I add the wind; you can go so much faster. The wind could have blown me home and made my effort to go along be much less. But with the wind at my back and all my effort combined, I made such faster progress. God gave me the muscles to peddle and helped me train them so they are strong, but when He added the wind the increase was exponential. Just like He gave me a lot of gifts and talents. The word says that "the gifts and callings of God are without repentance". He gives good gifts to us all. He doesn't just give gifts to those who would believe. He endows all if His created with gifts. However, when we walk with Him and love him, when we abide in Him and realize that He abides in us, then our gifts are combines with His Spirit. That puts us on a totally different playing field. Our talents with His Spirit makes an out of this world combination. I grinned like some kind of cracked out fool peddling my legs off. I must have been some kind of sight. I guess it doesn't take much to make me a happy grinning person. It was fun. Thanks Jesus; You're the bomb!!!

Thoughts on New Years

First of all, let me apologize ahead of time to the people who don't like my heavy posts. This is not a jolly New Years resolution type of posts. I am feeling pretty heavy about some things. But Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I feel overwhelmed with the the tremendous need in the world and the apathetic, complacent, paralyzed state that much of the western world seems to be in. The same state that I have spend most of my life in. We have so so so much in this country and we consume so much of it on our lusts. Many people don't really know about so much of the need. Others don't want to hear it. For whatever reason, God made me a pretty serious, very literal and concrete person. I would rather watch a documentary that informs me about me injustice or need than watch something that will entertain me or make me laugh. I would rather read a book that convicts me than read some fictional tale. I am not saying that either of the other two options are wrong or that I am better b/c of my preferences. It is just how I am. I am full of so much information about really terrible injustices in the world. I find small talk to be so frustrating. I go to parties and gathering and listen to the talk. I don't follow it; I don't find it interesting. I want to turn the conversation to things that really matter. I want get people to think about how many people are dying while we sit and chat about frivolities. I want to pray or talk about the word of God. My husband jokingly told me the other day, "You can bring a room down like no one else I know. Dawn's party pooper service." Don't get him wrong; he wasn't being mean. He was just talking about how I really prefer to talk about really heavy issues. I want to tell people about things they don't know. I am sorry if it makes people sad. Good!! Maybe it will make people sad enough to step out of apathy and do something. We can effect change one little step; one person at a time.

I am not sure these thoughts are even coming across very cohesively. I hope I am conveying what I am trying to convey.

I feel like my blog may need to take a directional turn. I understand that people may not want to read about some of the subjects I want to write about, but I need to try and get the message out. I have been reading some books that are really rocking my world. I just finished "The Red Letters: Living a faith that bleeds" is about the AIDS crisis and how our response to it has been pretty minimal. Now I am reading "Radical"; it is really rocking my world. Anyone who really knows me knows I read pretty voraciously and they are not usually upbeat type books. These have really spoken to me and come at a time where I am really doing a lot of soul searching anyway. I feel like we need to wake up. God's people need to hear the cries of the oppressed, the orphans, the widows, and the slaves. There are movements and people that are making many moves toward changing things. But we have so much progress to make still. I feel like Dorothy; the curtain has been pulled up on the wizard; he is a lie. I want to pull the curtain up to show everyone the American dream is a lie that we have bought into. It's like the matrix. All this stuff serves to distract us from the fact the we aren't really living at all. We are missing the point. We are not living out the gospel. We are not seeking first the Kingdom and His righteousness. The Gospel and the American Dream are diametrically opposed to one another. If we continue to try to reshape the Gospel into our version of gospel we will hear "depart from me, for I never knew you" at the end of time. We are building structures that will not make it through the test of fire. We are building huge alters worshiping the temporal. The Gospel is not about going to heaven when we die; it's about living the kingdom now. It's about giving everything we have to Him to do with as He pleases. It's about loving, and loving and loving so much it hurts and makes us look like fools. It's not about being Second; it's about being last. Putting everyone else ahead of ourselves. It's about not worrying about whether someone might take advantage of us or if they deserve our love or help, b/c we don't deserve anything we have. Everything we have has been given to us and we don't deserve ANY of it. That is not an easy Gospel. It is not a pleasant Gospel, but it is the Gospel none the less. I personally don't live out that Gospel everyday, but I am searching and seeking freedom to live that way. I struggle and fail over and over again, but I am seeking Him b/c I want to love like He loves. He has been gracious enough to open my eyes and cause me to begin to ask questions about what we have accepted as okay and our culture. It is not okay. I will not keep quiet about it any more. I will answer to call to be the party pooper. I will tell people that things they don't want to hear. B/c some will hear what I say and turn. Are we spending ourselves on things that matter or are we spending ourselves and our resources on things that will be destroyed by moth and rust, or stolen by robbers? Are we allowing our true riches to be stolen away for things that don't matter. We are like children who give up pearls for costume jewelry b/c it shines more than the pearls.

As I walked through Costco shopping for groceries, today, I almost began to weep looking around. We have warehouse after warehouse filled with food, clothes, water, whatever we could desire when thousands a day die from starvation, thirst and preventable disease. I just can't continue to pretend like I understand our way of life at all. I have questioned so much for so long. It runs deep in my heart. Why do we spend so much on entertainment, more clothes we don't need, more and more and more. We keep acquiring. Yet, most of us still feel empty and purposeless. Could that be because we haven't been given all that we have to consume it on stuff for ourselves? Could it be that fulfillment comes from giving everything we have away, from trusting that if we give it all away, that Jesus will take care of our needs. Seriously, He doesn't want a corner of our lives. He wants all of our lives. He wants all of our heart, all of our resources, all of our abilities and talents. ALL of it, not part of it.

In light of all this I have been asking myself some very serious questions. I feel very called to care for orphans overseas. I don't know how; I don't know when; maybe I am just crazy, but I feel it so deep in myself. I know that time is not yet, b/c my husband has not caught the fire that burns in my bones, yet. This obviously means we are not ready, yet. When he says, "It's time." I will know it is time. Only God can change him and makes him to want to leave it all and go. If I am called, though, He is called. When the time comes, He will burn with it, too. Meanwhile he keeps me from impulsively jumping into something we are not ready for. But, onto the questions...

If I can't have my juicer and my celery juice, would I still go? If I can't make my green smoothies, would I still go? If I have to live without my treadmill, would I still go? If I had to go without my veggies, would I go? What if I had to eat meat to survive, would I go then? The conclusion I reached is yes, to all of the above. I would go and learn to live a totally new way. I would give it all up. I am willing to sacrifice for the sake of the need. I want put tangibility to my faith. I don't want to just talk about what I believe. I want to give my all for what I believe. I want my life to reflect the grace and glory of God. I want to love those who have no one to love them.

There is so much desperate need out there.

Below are some really interesting links to check out. There are so many ways to make a difference.


Did you know that for 40 cents a day, a person suffering with HIV be put on ARV therapy that will put the virus to sleep. 40 cents a day. I spend more than that on Stephens gum. Watch the Lazarus Effect; it's only about 30 minutes long, but it is really a great picture of the home ARV therapy has given. Red Campaign video

World Vision has a wide price range of gifts that can be given.

The Five for 50 campaign gives some really great small steps to make a difference with the AIDS crisis.

Drawn from Water is an amazing organization that rescues "Mingi" children from being put to death. They bring them into an orphanage to raise them in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Here is the sponsorship page to sponsor one of these precious children.

These are few places I would like to direct you to start trying to make a difference. I will probably post more as we go along and as I figure out exactly the direction that the Lord would have me take this blog.

Today's Lesson

I don't know who needs to hear this, but someone does; so I will be obedient to what I feel.

I went for a bike ride this afternoon. I wasn't sure if I even really wanted to, but I knew that if I didn't and the weather was bad for the next few days, I would be really mad at myself for not going riding. The ride out was really hard; the wind was blowing so hard against me as I rode. I could only go about 10 miles an hour (I am usually going about 20 to 22 on average). So, my pace was half what I am used to. Also, it takes a lot more work and hurts more to ride into to wind. I just kept reminding myself that the same wind that was blowing against me was going to blow behind me on the way back. The wind serves to make you stronger. It was a metaphor that God was painting for me. Sometimes in life that wind seems to blow so strong against us. It seems like we are making no progress at all and could possibly being blown backward. It seems like we aren't going to make it. I can be so frustrating, exhausting and seem hopeless. As I got to the end of the trail and turned to come back home, I felt exhilarated. I felt re-energized knowing that the wind was about to be my friend. I began to pedal and I could feel the wind behind me blowing. After pushing so hard to make such slow progress the ride home seemed so amazing. I just kept feeling like saying "blow me home, Lord." I was almost in tears with joy thinking about how the same wind that blows against us to make us strong, can turn, blow behind us and make the progress seem unreal and so effortless. It was as if I was flying (22 or 23 miles an hour).

So hear is the message, though I don't know who it's for. The wind is there to make you strong. Hang on, keep pushing. You can make it; He will make sure you make it. And when the wind has done it's job and you have build the strength you need to build during this season, the wind will turn. It will blow behind you and you will get to fly. The wind is not forever. That same wind will blow you right home. The wind is good. The wind is your friend. Just hang tight; it's turning soon. The ride home is worth the ride out!!!

Seems so trivial and silly now in print. But I have decided to obey Him even when I feel like it could make me look foolish, b/c I value His opinion more than the opinion of anyone else. It seemed really silly to be tickled to tears over the wind blowing behind me so I could feel like I was flying, but it was cool. Only a cyclist can probably appreciate that feeling of a tail wind, but it is amazing and fun.

Presence

Everywhere I turn the message to me seems to be "stay in the moment, be present". I have never been very good at that and I am not sure that I even totally understand what that means. I do know that I have a loving, gracious heavenly Father who is willing and in the process of teaching me what that means and how to do it. Jesus was always in the moment, fully engaged and available. Now, being in the moment is not something that we, as Americans, are very good at. To further complicate that matter for me is the survival mechanism I learned from a very early age to keep myself alive. I spend the first 20 years of my life escaping in my mind, detaching myself from whatever abuse I might be experiencing at the moment. I lived most of my life in a very compartmentalized manner. I would keep things in boxes and closets in my mind. It has taken the last 18 years of my life to learn not to disassociate from what was going on around me. But, for the majority of my life I felt like I lived inside a plexiglass box that no one else could see. I could see and be seen, communicate and appear to be involved, but there was a thick sheet of plexiglass between me and everyone else. This left me feeling isolated and alone. Now this compartmentalization and detachment served me well in my early years. Without that coping strategy I am not sure I would have been able to survive the things I have survived, however, I cannot keep living my life that way, nor can I use the abuse as an excuse to stay disconnected. For one thing, that kind of live is not truly alive; it is a hollow, empty, dead existence. We are called out of death and into life. We are called to depth, abundance and richness. In the last 18 months I have learned, for the first time in my life to connect with people. I have learned to allow people into my space and let them become important enough to me that they aren't dispensable. I have learned to feel empathy for others, to feel their pain and joy, to share in the experience of humanity. I have learned to not shut down when I feel emotions for myself or for others. I have learned to show people how broken I am; I have learned to expose my weaknesses and struggles, to trust people with the holes in my armor and even begin to tear down the fortress that has kept me safe, but isolated. This process has been a learning process and a healing process. It has been allowing God to talk to me and expose the roots and then give me the courage to reach out and open up. It has been such a tremendous and amazing experience. I have so many really wonderful people in my life. I have so many deep connections.

Now I feel like God is saying it's time to take it a step further. I don't really live too much in the past. The past is over; God has forgiven me and healed me of so much. What I did not realize was that I have been living in the future more than that presence. I am realizing that I have missed out on the fullness of so many experiences and so much love and beauty in my life b/c I was always striving to make things better. I have been so driven for so many years to get us in a "better financial situation". I have always wanted my children to have more than we did. I wanted to take them on vacations, pay for them to go to college. I wanted to be able to give them lessons/sports/or whatever they wanted to participate in. I wanted to be able to give them braces, buy them a car when they were old enough to drive. I didn't want them to feel like we were poor. (Not that we are poor in comparison to the rest of the world.) I am not talking filthy rich just comfortable. What I am now realizing is that we are still pretty much in the same financial situation that we have been in for the last decade, so that striving and discontentment have not moved us forward at all. What it has done is make me miss out on really being present for the life we have lived in the moments we have lived it. It's not like I am saying that I wasn't around. I just missed out on really just enjoying the moments and resting in exactly the place we were in. I was discontent and striving, obsessed with this idea that if we had more, if I could give the kids what I didn't have that they would be happier and turn out better. I realize now that I could have taught them the beauty of contentment in the Lord. I could have taught them the beauty of God's provision and delighting in unexpected blessings instead of teaching them that "tomorrow when we have more then we can really live." I have not taught them to rest and be thankful for the little things. I have not stopped to smell the roses, or taste the sweetness of the fruit, or look at the beauty all around us, b/c I was in too big a hurry to get to some "ideal destination". Who needs Disneyland when you have woods and bugs, creeks and fish, stars and lightning bugs?

I guess my point is (I hope I have conveyed my heart) that the moments and experiences I could have had with my children and husband were not fully experienced as they could have been b/c I was too busy being discontent and thinking that I would enjoy life when I "arrived" at the "destination". I have heard a lot that life is a journey not a destination, but I think I just now really understand what that means. The bumps, struggles, and tests are part of the beauty as are the moments of laughter, good food and just sitting under the stars.

That being said, I cannot go back and change any of that. I also cannot live in regret or condemnation. What I can do is start today learning to be present. I can start to be aware of things around me and in me. I can begin to indulge the senses that God gave me and enjoy all that is around me. I can be in the moments I am given and trust the the next moments will come by God's grace without me having to fret or help them along. I can take moment to kiss my husband and tell him every day several times a day how much I love him and how grateful I am that he loves me and that I get to share life with him. I can stop and listen to Chloe's stories about her day. I can allow my children to help me cook and sew or whatever they are interested in participating with me. I can listen to the music Stephen wants to share with me. I can gaze at the incredible beauty that Ally has grown into. I can experience the smell of the coffee at work and connect with each of my customers with genuine appreciation that they have come to see me. I can stop and slowly chew and taste my food. I can be aware of how songs move me or art inspires me. I can be aware of my breath going in and out as I run. I can smell the food cooking and anticipate the taste in my mouth. I can let myself touch the textures all around me. I can stop to feel the wind and smell the scents it carries to me. I can walk in the grass barefoot, jump on the trampoline, listen to my husband breath as he sleeps. I can allow myself time to create just for the sake of creating. The list is endless. I will live in this moment. It will take practice. I am sure there is so much more to this that God will need to teach me, but today I will begin the journey of embracing the journey. I will let the destination take care of itself. I have ended up in so many places different from where I thought I would be. I don't know exactly all the places this path God has me one will lead to, but I do know that I can enjoy the walk and experience it deeply instead of trying to get to where I am going "quickly".